This, and our nightweaning/bedweaning plans, will likely be taking up a lot of this blog for awhile. I'm obsessing. Fair warning and all that jazz.
Basically, as I see it, technically my options for birth provider/location are:
1) Repeat Cesarean (rcs or cbac)
2) VBAC attempt at hospital
3) VBAC attempt with monitrice* then going to hospital for pushing stage
4) UBAC even I'm not willing to do this
5) Find a doctor somewhere in the state who will sign off on a HBAC and a midwife who will perform it. Possibly it won't really be a HOME birth after cesarean. It might be a HOTEL birth after cesarean. But still.
6) Do the above, don't tell my doctor, and just pay/plan for both.
Yes. This is where my head is right now. Have I mentioned there's a lot of crazy around here? I can't quit thinking. I can't shut up. Get me going and I WON'T STOP!
I don't know that all of those are even possible. I am confident that the first 4 are possible, and hopeful of the last two. But here are the problems:
1) I think this can go without being said, but I'll say it. I want to labor the way I was meant to labor. I want to deliver the way I was meant to deliver. I want a natural, vaginal birth. Additionally, most doctors recommend no more than 3 cesareans and while I probably want no more than 3 children, I don't want to be limited that way.
2) I think I discussed this in my last post on VBAC, but...I had major anxiety during labor. Every time the nurse came in my contractions stalled. That is part of why I think I could not fully dilate. It will NOT be better as a VBAC where there will be more rules and more paranoia.
3) This is a better option. Essentially, I hire the local home birth midwife as a monitrice. I will labor at home (or in the birth center) until I'm ready to push, and then go to the hospital. She is able to check heart tones, check dilation, make sure we're happy and healthy, etc. I still feel TONS of anxiety about going to the hospital at the end. In all likelihood, this is what my plan will be.
4) Um, not for me. I need someone there who knows what they're doing.
5) This is kind of an OK option, except that if I have to transfer for whatever reason, I won't know the doctor performing the cesarean, and I won't have been able to discuss my wishes in advance. I have particular desires when it comes to my c/s, and I know that my last one with my OB is better than most people's. So I really don't want to end up in a worse situation with babe in the nursery, etc.
6) I like this option except for the dishonesty of it. That way I'm covering all my bases. I really do like my OB practice. Yes, they performed a (somewhat) unnecessary cesarean on me last time, but I had labored for a REALLY long time and was stuck. I think for a hospital birth, it was the best I could hope for under the circumstances. They are very VBAC friendly, they are very natural childbirth friendly. It's the HOSPITAL that bothers me, not the practice. It was the nurses that gave me grief, not the doctors. I know that if I need a cesarean they will treat me well, not tie my hands down, let me be part of the process. They were gentle and respectful last time. But they won't sign off on primary HBACs. The main OB will, but one of the other 2 won't and because of that the practice doesn't.
I don't know. I'll probably be a good girl, go with option #3 and just try to cope. But I have nightmares about going to the hospital and fighting, fighting FIGHTING. I don't want to fight. I want to deliver a (future, figment of my imagination child).
It's a darn good thing I'm not pregnant yet. I've got a heck of a lot of thinking to do.