Jack was born via non-emergent cesarean. Essentially, I was in labor for most of 2 days, he was OP, stuck at 8cm, and when the doctors suggested cesarean (after 13 hours at 8cm and 4 on Pitocin) I said fine.
Jack Being Delivered
First Family Photo
And, really, it was fine. My recovery was easy. We had no (significant) breastfeeding problems. He's happy and healthy. It's all fine.Which is why I don't understand my feelings.
I was aiming for a natural birth, yes, but not because of some great desire to experience birth or to be a woman, or even to do what was best for him. I simply wanted control. That whole epidual/IV/Pitocin stuck in bed with people holding your legs and yelling PUSH PUSH was so not for me.
I wanted control of my body. Autonomy.
The 10 hours post cesarean, stuck in a bed with a nurse giving my baby a pacifier (I told her not to) and his first bath was hell. Not because of pain or anything. Just because it is not in my personality to cede control of the things important to me. Like, well, my newborn.
But I was Ok with it.
As Jack's first birthday approached, I was less OK with it. I'd get upset, a little angry with myself (why'd I give in so easily), with my husband (why wouldn't he let me have a homebirth). I started feeling like I HAD missed an experience I wanted. And I started feeling like I'd failed.
As his birthday passed, I got past some of it and started looking forward. To the next baby. To VBAC. Or CBAC. Or HBAC.
I am overweight, but healthy. I had no pregnancy issues, besides the fact that Jack refused to scoot. I went into labor, naturally, at 40 weeks 5 Days. My water broke on its own. I dilated to 8cm. I never pushed. He was malpositioned.
Some of those things seem to make a VBAC more likely. Others less likely.
But I'm not worried about it. Just as I did with Jack's birth, I am 98% confident I am capable of having an unmedicated vaginal birth. Sure, this time I'll have a Cesarean birth plan (Just in case. While my cesarean was pretty good (no strapped down arms, he stayed with me the whole time), I've heard horror stories. And I think it can be better.).
But, really, I feel fine about labor and my body's capabilities.
What I'm less sure about is my brain. Here's where the crazy comes in.
When I was in labor, my contractions slowed almost to a halt every.single.time the (bitch of a) nurse came in to monitor me. I felt like I had to fight for everything (no hospital gown, water, food, staying natural, time to labor off the monitor). And I didn't like it. I am, apparently, somewhat more passive in labor than in normal life. Less confident and confrontational.
This time, it'll be much, much worse. First, I've been there, done that, know what to dread. Second, they'll be pushing even more. (Just in case epidural; Just in case IV; continuous fetal monitoring). They'll have less confidence in my abilities (after all, I failed last time!). And maybe I will.
Sure, I can pick my doctor, and I have a great one. But that doesn't matter. It's the nurses who are with you and who can make life great or miserable.
When I read VBAC stories - triumphant VBAC stories of women who are thrilled with their birth experiences, I feel panicky when the nurses tell them they have to do something or they aren't allowed to do something else. My stomach churns. My heart races. How much worse will it be when I'm the laboring woman?
So I read and I research. I took Bradley classes last time, but perhaps Hypnobabies would help with my hospital anxiety? A more experienced doula? A monitrice to keep me out of the hospital for as long as possible?
Maybe.
I know a homebirth would help. Or a birth center birth. Unfortunately, my state has decided that it is illegal for a woman to have a birth center VBAC (ever!) or a HBAC without a doctor sign off. And the doctor won't sign off for a primary VBAC. So, I'm stuck.
We're sorta kinda soon going to be TTC. And I'm excited. And I'm dreading it.
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