Monkey Tales & Mama Thoughts

Cheeks

2012-02-04T08:51:00.001-05:00

This picture cracks me up. My boy is pretty skinny. Muscular, solid, but skinny. But his cheeks! He still has cute, chunky, baby cheeks and I adore them. They make him look younger, sweeter. As long as he has baby cheeks, I can pretend he's a baby (it's getting harder to do, what with the talking and the attitude and the inappropriate potty humor.)

So this picture of my boy and my Moe, snuggled on the couch. They're adorable. But it's hilarious because Jack looks soooo chunky in it. And really? It's just the cheeks.

I love these boys.

Falling

2012-02-01T13:38:00.001-05:00

J was standing on a box. He fell off, landing on his feet, knocking over a cup of water.

I hurt me, he said in a normal voice.

Pause.

I got all wet, he sobbed.

I love this little goose. I love this little life.

My best friend

2012-01-16T11:11:00.001-05:00

My little guy is the most magical, giggly person imaginable. He loves everything and is so enthusiastic about it all.

Saturday, we were snuggling, and he looked over and said,

"I'm playing with my best friend Mommy."

Melt.

We snuggled a lot this weekend.
My two favorite boys.

Cleaning

2012-01-03T23:25:00.001-05:00

I've come up with this crazy idea.

I don't have to be perfect!

Wait. Hear me out. I know I'm a long way from perfect. But, see, I'm a lazy perfectionist. I don't do anything unless I can do it all and do it perfectly, and since that doesn't happen, I don't do anything.

This morning I came to a new decision.

I will work on cleaning and organizing my house for one hour most days.

Today, I got our bedroom cleaned -in a don't look under the bed or in the closet way, but still. Daniel came home and our room looked nice.

The rest of the house? Still a post Christmas disaster.

But that's OK. I'll get to it when I get to it. There's no need to stress.

Messes will wait.

Quiet

2011-12-12T16:29:00.001-05:00

I napped and listened to the rain and Christmas music this morning. Too late night, too early morning. So I got back in bed once I got the boy to school.

He came home from school, we watched the (original) Grinch, snuggled, and now he's running around like a wild person while I read blogs.

It's been a day where nothing gets done. And we're happy.

Did I say quiet? J is now running around, naked, jingle bell around his neck, superJ cape on his back and mask on his eyes. He's SuperNakedChristmasMonkey! Are other kids nudists?

Meow

2011-12-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

Jack is wandering around, looking for scuttles, yelling, "Kitty, Kittycat, where are you? Kitty, Kitty, meow, meow."

Moving on

2011-12-02T16:30:00.000-05:00

I met with Heather last night. Daniel was on the premises but obsessing over work and so... It was just me. And a post-nap-cranky-monkey.
She looked at my chart (my last cycle was 75 days y'all). She discussed what I wanted (to get knocked up, dammit, now that my depression has been cured by gallbladder removal). And sent me off with the promise that she would call the doctor and tell him her recommendations.
What recommendations? Oh. Based on my chart (75 days, people!) and my weight (um, over) and my history (wacky and random cycles followed by 17 months of ttc), she thinks he should prescribe metformin for insulin resistance/probable PCOS. And possibly progesterone cream.
Fun.
Of course the phrase "insulin resistance"gives me heart palpitations as I picture my (late) obese, diabetic grandmother.
But, according to Heather, treatng now will help to ward off diabetes. God, I hope so.
So I am sitting in a waiting room, waiting for Dr. R and hoping all goes well. Praying for so much.
We will see.

Soccer ball kiss"

2011-11-18T17:21:00.001-05:00

Jack has invented the "soccer ball kiss". We puff out our cheeks and kick backwards as we kiss. I don't get it. But it's cute:)

Fly

2011-11-16T23:48:00.001-05:00

How did this year go so fast? Wasn't it last month that we celebrated Christmas at Kelley's house? The day before that I went Black Friday shopping with my best friend? Wasn't it summer just the other day, and Easter the week before that? Didn't we just start potty training?

How did this year go so fast? Some of the days were so slow. There were days that I truly wasn't sure I'd survive until Daniel got home. Days when I cried more than I smiled. Moments that seemed a lifetime.

I look at Monkey, he doesn't seem bigger. I look at pictures, oh he is. He's almost a kid, barely a baby. This is his 4th Christmas. He'll love it this year. He'll get it.

How did this year go so fast? All the plans I made, undone. All the dreams I had, still dreams. Time slips away. It all snuck up on me, this time. Suddenly there are sale ads and decorations, Santa and Away in a Manger. I feel like I haven't put last year away, and this year is over.

How did so much happen in what seems a moment? My best friends had babies. One moved away. I made another close friend, she moved away. My first mommy friend and I no longer are. My grandmothers died. Both of them. Looking at that list, I've lost a lot of special women this year. In a blink.

Time flies. Having fun or not, living life or watching it pass, planning or doing. Time flies. People pass from this life or from yours. New life comes for some. Babies grow up. Choices are made, by intention or default. And another year is almost gone.

I don't know what happened to this year. I don't know where I was while it happened around me.

But this next year, I'll fly with it. I'm going to live, to do, to love, to choose. At least most days.

Jack's 3rd Birthday Party - Monster Party!

2011-10-22T02:06:00.000-04:00

Back in May, Monkey went to his cousin's 8th Birthday party and from that moment on has not stopped talking about her waterslide. I really did not want a party at home this year. I was aiming for a play center or park or somewhere where I did not feel compelled to clean or impress.

But he wanted a waterslide.

So I said OK.

And then I started planning a shark themed waterslide party because, well, there are waterslides that have sharks on them, he likes sharks, it would work. I even made a Shark Party pinboard where I found tons of fun ideas. I got excited.

Then I said something to Monkey about his shark party and all heck broke loose. He didn't want a shark party. He wanted a MONSTER party. "My MONSTER PARTY!" A few twitter polls later and I decided to just do what the kid wanted.

And so I started pinning monster stuff.

And I went a bit crazy, as I'm wont to do.

But my boy? He LOVED his party. Loved it.

So, here we go (and, as always, photos and cake are thanks to Jenn!)

The Invitation:

The decorations:

The Punch (both grown up and kid versions)

The Cups and Straws

The Food

(We also had monster toes (pigs in a blanket), monster nails (bugles) and monster bones (carrot sticks))

The Cake

The Awesome Baker

The very, very excited Birthday Boy

(No picture, but at one point after "Happy Birthday to you!" he pointed at himself)

The Fun

17 Foot Waterslide

And a little pool for babies or less adventurous or needing a break toddlers

Jack had an EXCELLENT birthday!

Jack's 2nd Birthday Party! (yes, 13 months ago)

2011-10-21T08:00:00.001-04:00

OK, making progress.

Last year I tried to think of Jack's absolutely favorite thing. Thought about Gators. Or cars. Monster trucks (um, then they may have been pronounced Mom-Fucks. Yeah. For real.). Then I realized he loved one thing more than alllll of the rest -

POPSICLES!

(also known as pop-pops.)

And so, for Jack's 2nd Birthday we celebrated with a Popsicle Pool Party.

We had a Popsicle photo shoot (photos by Jess Cumbie Photography):

Then I made an invitation:

Then we had a party (all photos by Jenn*)!

There was a banner

From Jack's 2nd Birthday Party

Some handy directional signs

From Jack's 2nd Birthday Party

Balloons

Food on Sticks

Friends to eat the food on sticks

Cake! (baked by Jenn)

Lots and lots and lots of popsicles!

And one really happy birthday boy

Why I can't fold laundry

2011-10-21T02:02:00.000-04:00

They sure are cute though.

Monkey talk

2011-10-18T08:47:00.002-04:00

Mommy, my skateboard can't go potty.
No baby, it can't.
It has no weewee.
You're right, Monkey, it doesn't.

It's Raining...

2011-10-18T08:30:00.001-04:00

It's pouring, I wish I could be snoring.

I read a book once and the characters had been part of a hypnotherapy program in high school with the sound of thunder and a ringing bell as their triggers. Years later, they still felt groggy and out of it when they heard thunder. (and then someone started killing them by calling them during rain storms, ringing a bell and sending them off to commit suicide. It wasn't a realistic book.)

Regardless, I feel that way. Rain on my roof and the sound of thunder and I am groggy and sleepy and want my bed and my head on a pillow. Desperately.

Were the monkey not here, I would be in bed with a good book and a cup of tea and the windows open (the better to hear the rain with, my dear).

Instead, we snuggle on the couch and the rain is drowned out by the Cat in the Hat. It's a slow morning around here, but a happy one.

Super-pumpkin!

2011-10-17T17:00:00.001-04:00

monkey is really into superheros right now...he's dressing up as one for Halloween and spends a lot of time running around the house with his arms out saying "I'm a...SUPERHERO!".

It was therefore, awesome, when he came home from school today with a Superhero Pumpkin!

Agggh

2011-10-06T15:55:00.001-04:00

The phrase "fair share". I don't care who says it or how it's used, but even typing that above makes my heart beat faster and annoys me. It should never be used by adults, anywhere, anytime.

(my unpopular opinion of the day.)

ABCs of ME!

2011-10-03T15:23:00.000-04:00

Found here ABC's of moi, I'm bored, so, here ya go:

A. Age: 30 (I hate saying that)

B. Bed Size: King

C. Chore that you hate: anything "icky" - bathroom or dishes

D. Dogs: The world's cutest boxer and bulldog (also pictured: Jack at 6 months old - wasn't he cute???)

E. Essential start to your day: more sleep. Doesn't count? Water.
F. Favorite color: Corally pink or greyish turqouise

G. Gold or Silver: silver (or white gold)
H. Height: 5'9"
I. Instruments you play: Nothing. I took like 8 years of piano, but never practiced
J. Job Title: Wife, Mommy, Doula

K. Kids: 1 adorable 3 year old, Jack
L. Live: Florida. Always.
M. Mother's name: Kimberly Jane
N. Nicknames: Kimber. Mommy.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just for Jack's birth.
P. Pet Peeves: chewing with mouth open, potty "humor"
Q. Quote: "There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every one of us" - Jimmy Buffett

R. Right or left handed: Right.

S. Siblings: younger sister, younger step-brother

T. Time you wake up: When the monkey makes me. Ideally 9ish. Normally 7;45ish.
U. Underwear: sometimes (my family is weird, we just are)

V. Vegetable you hate: Tomatoes (the texture). Avocado (ditto).
W. What makes you run late: My mother. Or sister. Or son.
X. X-rays: Teeth, arm, back, neck, feet
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken Pot Pie
Z. Zoo animal: Giraffes. They are so, amazingly graceful when they run.

And that's that.

Jack's 1st Birthday Party

2011-09-29T08:30:00.002-04:00

Yes, it was in fact two years ago. And, no, I never did blog it, since, well, I'm me, and I don't keep up with things. But, here we go.

A Surfing Monkey party in pictures and comments (most pictures taken by Jenn at Three Pugs and a Baby. I'll note where they aren't, since she's way better than me with a camera. Also? She baked the cake):

I don't really know what to do with this, Mom.

Hmmm...weird.

I'll take that, thanks.

Hmmm...

Hmmmmm...

I don't know...

Oh, yeah, I'll have some more!

(End Jenn pics. Begin Kimberly Pics.)

Lots of balloons on the ceiling.

Cousins and friends in the pool.

Crazy women chatting and drinking

The Duck and the Yaya

Grandpa and Grandma

Dirty monkey!

Monkey on the slip n slide

The 52 week photo wall I made. And kept up for over a year, as it made me happy.

Twelve months of pro photos.

Decorations

Party Favors (beach bucket with monkey stickers, surf monkey socks, a game for big kids and gold fish crackers)

Jack's 3rd Birthday Party

2011-09-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

Jack's birthday party was wonderful! He had an absolute blast, most of the kids loooooved the water slide, and the decorations were fairly cute. And the cake made by Jenn at 3 Pugs and a Baby, was both adorable and delicious and fetched us both a lot of compliments.

And I will blog about the party, as Jenn is also an excellent photographer and took cute pictures of it.

However, 1st, I am forcing myself to blog about his 1st birthday party and his 2nd birthday party. (With pictures from Jenn. Who is awesome.).

So, let the birthday party countdown begin!

1st Birthday Party

2nd Birthday Party

3rd Birthday Party

Pink eye

2011-09-27T15:27:00.002-04:00

When I had pink eye from hell in may, Jack managed not to get it. Yesterday, after an awesome birthday party and 2 days on the water slide, I picked him up from school with leaky eyes...
He woke up screaming "I can't open my eyes", but a warm compress and a dose of antibiotic drops (that his awesome pediatrician called in) and nursies, and he headed back to sleep.
He's still off today (swollen eyes and a bit cranky) so I'm snuggling him while he naps.
Have you ever seen a cuter 2 year, 364 day old sleeping boy? Me neither:)

Messy fingers

2011-09-19T21:08:00.002-04:00

Our local Y is awesome... Besides having the best exercise facilities in town, they have stuff that I use too!
A nice pool, friendly kidcare, and now that Jack is (almost) three, very affordable classes.
Jack is signed up for Wee Chefs and Messy Fingers. They are both adorable!
Messy fingers is art for 3-5 year olds.
There are just 3 kids in the class, Monkey, his best friend Kiki, and one other little girl.
The first week, they made smocks to wear to the rest of the classes. They stamped and painted t-shirts.
This past week, week 2, they painted flower pots. Monkey particularly loved putting stickers on his. This week we're going to plant something in it. He can't wait.
I love that these classes are available.

Sick, again

2011-09-18T11:19:00.001-04:00

He went to his first best friends party yesterday. Off, a bit, but he ran and played and I thought "tired, he hasn't slept in days". But he's mine and loss of sleep means sick and as we attempted (and succeeded!) a picture of six three year old, I heard a cough.

today his voice is scratchy and says "I don't feel good"and"mommy, nurse"and"snuggle tv, mommy".

So we do.

Sick

2011-09-16T13:35:00.002-04:00

Today Jack there up at school. His teacher said he was happy and fun and then suddenly threw up, then happy. But the fact is, he was moaning in his sleep all night and cranky this morning, and so we scrapped our pool plans and are snuggling on the couch and watching Beauty and the Beast.
Edit: he seems fine, he is fine. Who knows what that was about.

Because my mom told me to/Today

2011-09-15T23:46:00.000-04:00

I am writing some cute things J said today:

At dinner after some torches were lit around the restaurant:

Hostess "Is everyone doing OK?"
Jack: No
Hostess: "What's wrong?"
Jack: There's fire. I need a fire truck.

To my mom:
Mom/Duck: "I want to cuddle you."
Jack: I do!
Mom/Duck: "You do what?"
Jack: I do want to snuggle my Duck.

In response to anything he doesn't want to do.
"Never!" Never? "Never ever!"

(Also, today, he was stung by a jelly fish. My aunt peed on his leg. I am so.flipping.glad I wasn't there for that.) (Also, today I went to a herbalist for the first time. My sister recomended him to me. She found him by driving by. He say my last name and said "Oh, I used to live with your mother-in-law". It's a small world after all, it's a small, small world!") (Also, today I came up with a brilliant, crazy plan inspired by this post. I hope I can find someone to go in on it with me.)

Bittersweet

2011-09-14T12:30:00.001-04:00

Tonight, for the first time, Monkey nursed for just a minute, then asked for his daddy. I offered to nurse more. "no nurse, i want my daddy." I told him I'd go get his daddy, but that then I'd have to see him in the morning*. "OK, night night mommy."
They made shadow puppets and snuggled and drifted to sleep. My boys.
* In all likelihood, he will crawl into our bed for mommy snuggles well before dawn. But who knows? He surprises me. (update, 11:18pm, he came to get me and said he needs his mommy. I'm sitting by him until he goes back to sleep.)
My monkey is almost 3 (!) and growing up before my eyes.

Water slide!

2011-09-14T12:30:00.000-04:00

"mommy? Where's my daddy?
At work, monkey.
"to get money?"
Yes, love.
"For my waterslide!"
Think he's excited about his birthday party?

(We're renting a 16' water slide for his party, not the one he's grinning on in the pic!)

High/Low

2011-07-07T09:00:00.001-04:00

Because he's cute

Yesterday, I had 2 of my best parenting moments in my 2 years, 9 months and 10 days of parenting. I also had my worst. All in one day.

Jack wakes up most mornings happy and giggly...but on occasion, he is just grumpy.

I'm not playful. I want to be. I'm not. I've read Playful Parenting. loved it and would love it if Larry Cohen would follow me around and tell me what to do. But I'm just not creative.

But this morning, Jack woke up with baaaad grumpies. And I got frustrated, and I yelled for Daniel to come get him, and then! I had inspiration. I started picking (invisible, imaginary, tick-like) grumps off of him and throwing them away. One under his arm. One in his nose. One behind his ear. A BIG one in his belly button that took lots of wiggling to get out. After a few minutes, he was giggling. Crisis averted. Yay, Mommy!

Then, well, later, I had the grumps. But no one picked them off me. They took over, we were storming downstairs and my boy, my sweet, innocent boy, looked at me and said "Fuck you, mommy". I don't thinnk he knows what it means. He knows I yell it sometimes at Daddy on crazy days. But...he said it. I asked him what he said. He repeated it. I stared at him, on the stairs, for probably 20 seconds. I'm sure my mouth was moving as I tried to think of something to do. "You don't say that to mommy!" came to mind, but well...that would just encourage him by getting a reaction. I stole a glance at the time out chair that we generally use for violence. No, same problem. At that point, I was looking like a very confused guppy. And I had a moment of genius.

"Did you say "Froggy, Mommy""? Do you want mommy to hop like a froggy. No idea what he thought, but he giggled, I hopped out of the room, and all was well. (And I hope, pray, wish that he will never say that other thing again. And that I will quit occasionally yelling it at my husband.)

But, then, well, we were in a hurry, he wouldn't put on clothes, and I went nuts. Nuts. Utterly nuts. Yelling and screaming and thowing a fit. I scared him. I made him cry. He apologized, when, really, he did nothing wrong.

And I calmed down, and I apologized, and I thought about the changes I need to make in my life, and I snuggled him and we moved on.

And I thought, again, of this post by Arwyn, and that, well, I can't give him a different mother (though he may deserve one), but I can love him and I can teach him to say I'm sorry.

Siblings

2011-05-31T08:34:00.009-04:00

There's a lot I can say about siblings. I have 1.5, Daniel has 5. We love them, we hate them, we wouldn't trade them for all of the world (though I would have happily paid someone to take mine as a kid). But we have them and they are the best part of family.

I want my son to have siblings. I really want him to have brothers (imagine that!), but I want him to have siblings. To play with, to adventure it, to explore and enjoy and whisper on Christmas Eve. To weather the Crazy with, and to come home to visit. I want his kids to have cousins, and to have a big family all gathered around in 30 years. I want him to have someone else to help decide when it's time to put us in a home or pull the plug.

But, really, I want him to have a lifelongalwaysforevergonnabethereeventhoughyouhatethemyoulovethem kind of sibling. And I want them to be kids together. And I'm feeling like I'm running out of time.

Jack is 2 years 8 months old, and I've been trying to get pregnant for 12 months.

A Day At A Park Without A Child

2011-05-30T03:49:00.000-04:00

It was odd. After the incredibly, ridiculously bad chain of health luck we've had, my mom took the Monkey for a night so that I could rest. I actually had energy to leave the house for the first time in over a week, so Dh and I headed to the local patriotic festival and symphonic pops concert. It was at the Monkey's favorite park and playground along the banks of our local river (which Dh and I both grew up swimming in, fishing in, boating in and skiing in. Which we live on a little offshoot of an offshoot of an offshoot of. You need to know this later).

We looked at vendor booths (a little, I got tired quickly), and ate fair food (a little, my stomach isn't quite back up), and enjoyed being adults without the responsibility for a child, and enjoyed each other, and missed our Monkey and all of the fun he would have had. And we people watched and people listened.

1. There were the 2 boys who made me say I wish Jack was going to have a brother close to his age. They were adorable. Maybe 9 and 11? Maybe younger or older by a bit. They climbed down the rocks to the river, walked across the mud, and ended up in waist high water, where they swam perpendicular to the shore down a few hundred feet and came back. They had wonderful manners (more on that in a bit), were adventurous, safe and happy. I loved watching them.

2. Then there was the loud middle-aged woman. I heard her say "Oh, good, I needed a police officer", so I started listening (wouldn't you?). "You need to do something. There are boys. Swimming. In the river. That can't be safe. There could be ALLIGATORS!". So she dragged the cop and everyone stood around and watched. And the boys swam back, and roughhoused in the water and came giggling up the rocks, happy as can be with their little adventure, and the cop approached them and they yes-ma'am'd and took her to their parents. (I don't know what happened then. I hope the cop told the parents what happened and let them make their judgment as to whether it was a good activity for their kids. It was certainly not illegal. But I don't know). But this woman, she took this happy boyhood scene, which was just not dangerous and made it SCARY and EXCITING and OHMYGOSHWHATWILLHAPPEN. And I'm sure she's congratulating herself for it right now.

3. Then there were the teenagers. So many teenagers. Cute little skater boys of various races hanging out together (ok, I still have a thing for skater boys) and teenage girls in cute clothes with flirty smiles. And the funniest couple ever. Dh and I cracked up. The boy was one of those kids, not unattractive, nice as can be, but talked too much. Knew it all. Told his date all about the history of the river, and his strength and how he's considered wise beyond his years, and no one has ever gotten him down, and he was such a little dorky thing trying so hard to impress his girl. I don't think adults should have been laughing at him, but we were very, very quiet. It was sweet. And then they played battleship while they waited for the fireworks, so I think she liked him.

4. Then, during the fireworks, was the predictor. Older man, Yankee accent. Every time there would be a grouping of more than 4 blasts, he'd say "OK, that's it. Let's go". He said it once, early on, and I thought "Wow, I hope not, that was a short show!". Then about 2 minutes later he said it again. The third time, I whispered it to Daniel. The 4th, 5th, 6th, we just giggled at each other. The 7th, I actually thought he was right. Then the finale. And he didn't say a word.

I think I sound judgy. And, well, I do judge middle aged lady #2. (If she was so concerned for their safety, watch them and call for help if it looks like they have a problem, but they were together, not far from shore, in VERY shallow water, on a VERY calm day. It was absurd to involve the police.) But everyone else, we enjoyed. The families and the arguments, and the giggles and the flirting. Kids playing on the rocks and in the grass. I wished I had Monkey, so many times, but it was kind of freeing to observe and relate and talk to my husband, without making sure a small, adventurous person is alive. It was a great day. And I can't wait to take Monkey next year:-)

Today

2011-04-21T00:21:00.001-04:00

We played on the rain. Monkey put on his sweater, and out we went. So big, suddenly.

At bedtime he cried. He's still so little. We snuggled until we both fell asleep.

I'm appreciating it, him, us more these days. I feel more content, appreciative.

Time, good and bad, goes fast.

Not a Baby

2011-04-19T18:22:00.000-04:00

"Not a baby. A boy." he said today at swim lessons. I commented on how suddenly there is HAIR on his legs, but that he is still a baby. He didn't like that.

I asked if he was a baby boy. "No, a big boy."

How? Why? When?

At school on Friday they did a suitcase matching game. A drawing of a suitcase with pictures of socks and shoes, and toothbrush and whatnot. He pointed them all out to me, then took the paper, said "Ok, mommy, see you later" and walked out. Of the house. Through the closed garage door.

He can open doors now. Locked ones.

How? When?

"Do you need to go potty?" I asked, innocently enough. Not expecting the response. "No, MOM!"

Mom? Really? Already. And that voice. That exasperated voice.

I want him to grow up. I do. The alternative is, obviously, unimaginable. But it's happening too fast. Moving too quickly. He talks and plays and goes to school. He loves swimming and his friends. He opens doors and buckles his car seat. He climbs onto the counters to get whatever he wants. He potties (with me, not at school. A story for another post.). He helps me clean up. He has (very strong) opinions and doesn't hesitate to show them. He likes to dress himself and to pick out his own shoes. He wants things RIGHT HERE! and is very upset if anyone has a boo-boo or if anything is broken.

He can ride his scooter and almost his skateboard. His little legs are still too short for his trike.

He loves his best friends' baby brothers. He loves popcorn and grapes. He loves Kipper and "real TV" - Disney Oceans, Monster Truck documentaries, surfing videos. And Dinosaur Train.

He's a little boy, now, most of the time. I very rarely get to see glimpses of my baby. He nurses, and the baby is there. And when he sleeps. But, besides that, he's a boy.

But, not yet a Big Boy.

Jack is 2.5 years old and growing up entirely too fast.

Embarrassing Nursing Moments: Leaking on Someone Else's Baby

2011-04-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

My two best friends had babies last month. Two perfect, beautiful, adorable baby boys. I love them.

Last night, after a girls' weekend away (not including the new mommies, lol) I had a cookout for a group of friends to visit with another friend who was in town. And...so, I hadn't nursed much in 2 days.

And I snuggled the newborns. And, then, looked down and had GIANT wet spots on my shirt. Apparently, leaking can occasionally still happen, even if it has been more than a year since the last time. Oops.

I love good days

2011-03-11T16:42:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy this week. My mom's mental health issues have raced back into the forefront. I'm going to be handling her rental properties again (it's a lot of work). Stuff has just been crazy.

Today, though, was a great day.

I met with a potential doula client (free for cert, but still!) and we really clicked and she decided to book me. I'm SO excited!

Then I got home, nursed my monkey, and we headed into the yard to play and weed the vegetable garden to get it ready for planting. We dug in the dirt, got filthy, played with worms. I love my boy!

Then we rescued the kitten from a tree, cleaned out my car, played with cars.

We just had fun. And accomplished stuff.

I love these days.

I have so much to say

2011-03-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

and I can't even get my mind to slow down long enough to say it. I start blog posts, and they never go up, because they're just an explosion of words and thoughts and feelings and once i get them out, I feel better. But I would like to get them out here. I'd like to remember them. I'd like to share them. I think.

I went to doula training this past weekend. It was incredible. Being in a room with 10 women, all of whom have the same interests as me, and the same desire to guide (reframed from help, as per instructor) women to empower themselves as me, it was incredible.

I want to describe the whole thing. I'll try to, soon.

Right now, though, I do want to say, being at doula training brought back all of that inspiration and desire to do this. I am so excited. I am so glad that I've finally found a path that I'm comfortable with, for myself (as a mom, a person, a woman) as opposed to all of the fails in my life.

So - to be blogged this week:

Thoughts on "Planning your Birth" (an epiphany I had late one night after a few beers. It may make less sense now. We'll see.)

Doula Training Recap

Monkey's first weekend without me

A discussion with a CBAC mom

I'm really going to try hard to get it all out. And here. I am. I promise!

Spoiled. That's me.

2011-02-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to donate.

Our money is really tight right now, and I just couldn't justify $20.

After all, I don't have money for gas until Friday and I want to go to the beach tomorrow. I'm having to cut back on lunches out. Jack wants to meet Mickey Mouse and we can't afford it for a few months. I want a swimming pool, and that's just not happening - we're going to have to stick to the local YMCA heated pool with a slide. I can't pay my car payment for my minivan with leather interior until Friday.

Poor me.

I kept thinking I should donate. That's the right thing to do. The Christian thing to do.

How would I feel if it was Jack? If it was MY boy without clean water?

Still didn't hit. I mean, I was sad. But, well...see above. I'm broke.

I spent $15 on dinner out tonight because I locked my keys in the car outside Home Depot (where we HAD to spend another $15 on a latch for our fence and chain to hang out hammock) and we were stuck while waiting for AAA (which my Daddy pays for every year).

And, still, I didn't feel that I could afford to donate.

Then I read Love's most recent tweet (I read it using my 24" iMac that is getting a bit old. 3 years old. $2500 in 2007. And my $60 per month internet service. Sitting in the playroom of my waterfront house.)

just got an updated total! can't share yet, but heart is REALLY hopeful for 30 more ppl to give $20! can u help? http://tinyurl.com/66wjocy

And I thought yes. Of course I can help. 30 people. That's it. THIRTY PEOPLE and children in a Ugandan jail can have clean water. Why can't I help? How ridiculous am I?

How selfish am I?

Apparently (almost) infinitely.

I gave $20.

I should give more.

I can't, today. For real this time. My account is getting perilously close to $0, and I do need to wait.

On Friday I'll give another $20. If not to this well, to another. I swear it. To you, to me, to Jack, to God. I won't drive to the beach tomorrow and I won't buy lunch tomorrow, and I'll eat in all weekend or whatever other bit of ridiculous luxury I need to give up. And it's still not much. Not nearly enough.

But it's a step, right?

Thirty (29) people. Giving $20. How little. How easy.

Can you believe it took me 2 days to make the decision to do it?

Click here to go to a paypal link to donate and here to read about the children and what they are currently drinking.

Monday morning

2011-02-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

I've been awake for 2.5 hours.

I've yelled at my husband. Screamed hysterically at my son. Cleaned up baby poop and dog poop and dog pee. Cooked breakfast times two, because dogs ate round 1.

I've hated myself. I've thought that maybe my mom had it right with her suicide attempts (that thought just skittered through my mind, then left).

I've thought of everything I need to do. I've done none of it.

I've avoided my bank account because I don't want to see the (lack of) funds.

I've yelled at my dogs (see above).

I've retreated upstairs and put Jack in front of the tv because I just.can't.deal.

I've avoided a phone call from my mother.

I've cleaned poop out of car wheels and yelled while doing it.

I've told my child he was a bad boy, a bad kid.

When, really, I'm the one who is bad. I yell and I hide.

This happens every few weeks. And I apologize and I snuggle, and he seems Ok. But is he?

Or is he just pretending? Is his aggression my fault? His potty training regression? Is he going to grow up and have the issues I have due to my mother's insanity? That she has because of her mother's insanity? Is it just a cycle? Can I break it? Can he?

I hate Mondays.

Party Throwing: Kimberly Style

2011-01-31T08:45:00.005-05:00

Have I mentioned I'm a disorganized, procrastinating perfectionist? No? Oh, it's true.

When I throw a party, these tendencies come out even more than usual.

First, there's the planning. Months in advance I start looking for ideas. Then I get distracted and move onto something else.

Around a month in advance I design the invitation. I order them. Then I forget to mail them. I finally mail them on the very last day before the Two-Week-Deadline.

Then I start looking at party stuff again.

And, then, with three days to go, I start planning in earnest.

Yeah. I'm a mess.

Today I threw a baby shower for two of my girlfriends. Both are due in March with their second babies. Both are having boys.

I know there's debate over whether there should be showers for boys, but to me...the second baby still deserves a party!

Back in July I told them I wanted to have a shower for them. We've had the date picked since November. I sent out the facebook invite in December. I sent out the real invitations 2 weeks ago. And then, then, I went to my mailbox a few days later (I'm not good about checking my mail) and found the invitations. Sodden, soaking, mass. You see, my mailbox door doesn't stay shut and it rained.

Awesome.

So we stuck with the facebook invites.

And a few days ago I came up with a theme. (Yes, really.)

I decided on ducks. Rubber duckies, specifically. (I had thought cars, but, well, I couldn't find a cute car cookie cutter for the sandwiches, so we moved on to ducks.)

I shopped, and I bought, and I pinned.

And Thursday I started cleaning. And Friday I cleaned. And then began The Weekend With All the Parties (see tomorrow's blog post!)

And Saturday night, after a Moms' Night Out Going Away Party for Heather, I came home, cleaned and decorated. And cleaned and decorated. And finally (as always happens) I let go of some of the projects I wanted.

No decoupaged clothespins for the Nobody-Say-Baby-Game (plain clothespins are fine!). No cute little cupcaked toppers (broken printer. Plain cupcakes taste yummy!). No art project for the kids to participate in (but I DID have a babysitter to hang with them in the yard and playroom!).

I stayed up until 3:30am last night. My wonderful, sweet, darling husband (yes, I bitch a lot, but at this moment I adore him) stayed up helping until 2:00. And then today we woke up and worked more.

Right down to the wire.

I brushed my hair as the first guests arrived. I didn't brush Jack's. I didn't put on makeup. I didn't take the Christmas nail polish off my toes. And I did, as soon as everything was finished to the point it was going to be finished, start on the mimosas. I don't drink often, but when I have a party, it's all that gets me through the day!

But the party was cute, the guests had fun, and the new babies-to-be got great gifts. And there were only a few moments of drama (all of which involved Jack...oops!).

Here are some pictures of the day and the decor (Heavily inspired by this party)!

(almost) perfect

2011-01-20T19:20:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was an almost perfect day.
I took the boy to school, went to the chiropractor and had a massage and adjustment.
Went to Joann's with a friend and only spent $3.

Picked up my silly boy from school. Could NOT figure out who was carrying his backpack. Then realized it was my boy. With his hair pulled back and sprayed orange. I had forgotten it was "beauty parlor day". It was vaguely hilarious.

Had lunch with friends to celebrate a birthday.

Playtime at Chick Fil a.

Long nap.

Nice walk, snuggles, dinner.

Then bedtime. Oh, bedtime. It lasted for hours. And more hours. And many, many more hours. He didn't go to sleep until after 11. He was exhausted. But he couldn't get there. Oops.

When he finally made it to sleep, I was exhausted, but stayed up to watch JUST ONE episode of Greek. Or 3. I went to bed late.

The thing is, all day yesterday, no matter what happened, I had a modicum of hope. I was late, not abnormal for me, but I didn't even have a cramp. Our timing was OK this month and...things happened. I had hope.

Today, I woke up and had started my period. Oops.

Anne with an E

2011-01-18T00:48:00.000-05:00

One of my elementary school best friend's had the middle name Anne. After we all read (and fell in love with) L.M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables series, she started clarifying that her middle name was "Anne-with-an-E". I think of that every time I think of Anne Shirley.

I received a Kindle for Christmas. I was skeptical at first, but I LOVE it! It's awesome. There are, as I'm sure everyone knows by now, TONS of free books available. Some of the first that I found were the Anne of Green Gables series. I instantly downloaded and read them.

And kept reading. Since December 27 I have re-read:
Anne of Green Gables
Anne of Avonlea
Anne of the Island
Anne's House of Dreams

Then, tonight, I found the Lucy Maud Montgomery Reading Challenge 2011!

While I have already, unknowingly, participated, I want some goals. Mine are to read:
Anne of Windy Poplars (oddly, not available on Kindle)
Anne of Ingleside
Rainbow ValleyPublish Post
and maybe, possible Rilla of Ingleside by the 28th.

I have a pile of birth books to be reading as well (no, not pregnant. I am considering becoming a doula and am reading up on it), so I don't want to commit to Rilla or The Blythes are Quoted. I'm sure I'll finish those in February though:-)

A day with a toddler

2011-01-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

Today I got to experience:
*A cranky boy begging to nurse during a meeting
*An adorable boy smothering me with kisses
*A naked boy who has decided that if he can't have diapers anymore, he's going to go naked. This included eating dinner - tacos - naked.
*A stubborn boy who keeps driving his trucks across everything. Including my computer keyboard. While I'm typing.
*A "helpful" boy who decided to sweep out the fireplace. And then roll his trucks through it.
*A silly boy who hid his trucks in a bag of tortilla trips. And then cried when I put the chips into the cabinet. (Daddy rescued the trucks!)

And now, I have a tired boy who needs to go to bed. And I'm a tired mommy who needs him to.

Slooooooooooow

2011-01-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. Always have been. Sometimes it works (it especially seems to when it comes to milestones with Jack - nightweaning, potty training. More of potty training later.). Usually, it doesn't.

When I diet, the second I eat a little too much, or something not allowed, or don't exercise, I call it quits and binge for 2 weeks. That is how I managed to gain ~75 pounds on weight watchers. It's a skill, I tell you.

This year, 2011, my goal is sloooooow.

We took Christmas down today. It's a little sad, but also kind of nice to have the space and the clean slate and feel like I can start over again. I want to clear out stuff. I want to go nuts. But I'm moving slowly, one piece at a time. Get rid of the stuff that doesn't make my heart happy. Use the stuff that does. I didn't get as much done today as I'd hoped. But that's OK. Slooooooow.

I want to work on feeding my family healthier foods. Organics. More veggies, fruits, meats. Less carbs and processed stuff and junk. And I am. But I'm moving slowly. We're eating what we have, and as I replace stuff, I am replacing it with better choices. Normal me would want to throw everything away and start over. But I'm doing OK this way. I like it.

Turns out, I like slow. I like easy. I like relaxing and taking my time and realizing that it's not a race. That each meal matters individually. That each little happy corner of my house matters. I don't need perfection - and so, I don't have to race to get there and then give up (oh, I give up so easily!). Instead, I can just move, slowly, forward.

There are so many other things - goals, dreams. There is so much I want to do and change. I'm halfway through my 30th year, and wow time is going fast!

But here's the thing. I've tried to race. I've tried to plan things out to the minute. I've tried to make myself someone I'm not (organized, perfect, responsible). It's gotten me a house full of junk and a body full of fat and a life...well, actually, I have a pretty damn awesome life. Regardless, it's time to slow down. Make changes. Step backwards and forwards and sideways and realize that I'm still making progress.

That's my goal. This year, 2011, my goal is to be slow*.

*Clearly I'm succeeding since I managed to put my New Year's post up on the 8th:-)

Blue skies

2011-01-07T21:29:00.000-05:00

Today Jack and I sprawled in the driveway and looked at the sky.

We felt the prickles of pine needles on our skin, the warmth of the sun on our faces, the cool breeze.

We giggled.

He tried to climb the mountain* with his little power quad.

He ran to me, yelling "mommy, down"! And then threw himself on top and kissed me.

Then we snuggled on the couch and watched Babies. "Nurse, mommy, babies nurse".

Today had lows. But, oh, it had highs.

*Our neighbor's septic tank

Toddler Talk: Tales of Tails.

2010-12-29T11:58:00.000-05:00

Jack has this cute little Gymboree one piece that has a dog on the front and a tail on the back. At dinner last night, his Aunt Caroline had this conversation with him:

Caroline: Jack, you have a tail!

Jack: I have another tail too!
(at this point Jack grabbed his crotch).

Yes, my child thinks his penis is a tail.

Silly baby.

2010-12-15T09:05:00.000-05:00

Three months ago, it took ab average of an hour and a half to get Monkey to sleep. Not just an hour and a half of rocking. And hour and a half of rocking a screaming, kicking, scratching toddler. DH did it most nights, because when I attempted it, I would be scratched to shreds and it would take 2-3 hours. When, God forbid, DH went out of town or just out, it was a nightmare. We were exhausted, resentful and frustrated. Then I bought the clock*.

Two and a half months ago, I was thrilled that by the time I nursed Jack, let him do his thing during the clock's story, and held him still while listening to the lullaby portion of the clock routine, Jack was asleep.

Two months ago, I was ecstatic that he fell asleep next to me in bed without me touching him.

Now, 40%** of the time he falls asleep nursing even before the light goes out and before the story comes on.

30% of the time, as soon as the light goes out and the story comes on, he rolls over and goes to sleep.

20% of the time, he falls asleep during the story.

9% of the time he falls asleep before the music is over.

1% of the time he is still awake, lying contentedly beside me listening to white noise when the music turns off. Those nights, I get DH and have him finish getting him to sleep. It normally takes 10 minutes or less.

Tonight was a 1% night.

When the light flipped off and the story came on and he wasn't asleep, I was...disappointed. When the story was over and the music came on, I was annoyed.

Then I started blogging in my head.

How ridiculous is this? In less than a month, Jack's bedtime, his horrible bedtime that I dreaded, that was causing stress and fights and issues for over a year, improved by 1000%, and I'm annoyed when it's not perfect? Really?

Is it me? Or is it that whole, human thing, where we just aren't happy no matter what we have? (If I just get that promotion, I'll be happy. I just need a bigger house, better neighborhood, new car. All I need is 1 more child. More money.).

(In the 8 minutes I spent on this post, he fell asleep with his daddy.)

*I love this clock. It has all kinds of lights and buttons and features. I do not agree with the parenting philosophy espoused on the website. But the clock is still handy. I ONLY use the yellow light. Jack does not, can not, will not learn colors, so having the blue light mean bedtime and yellow wake time was not working for us. We just have yellow on, light off. Also, I don't use the punishment and reward lights. And I DO NOT do what she says and stick him in his room and then say goodnight as soon as the bedtime routine starts and leave (even if he cries, she says, he'll get used to it). I almost didn't purchase it because I didn't like the philosophy. But I'm grateful I did, as used our way, it's been a lifesaver.

**I haven't actually kept up a chart. These percentages are approximate.

We're chopping down a little Christmas tree...

2010-12-01T09:38:00.021-05:00

(Since Jenn did such a good job of describing our Christmas Tree Farm experience in a normal way, I'm going the other way. Not normal at all.)

The Great Christmas Tree Hunt
(to the tune of Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee)

We're looking for the perfect Christmas Tree

From Christmas Tree Hunt 2010

Won't my baby be so proud of me

We're looking for the perfect Christmas Tree

Hmm, just pines and cypress!

We're getting just one little Christmas Tree
For my baby, not Daddy and me

We're getting just one little Christmas Tree

Be careful of the saw!

We're taking family pictures with the Trees
For our friends and family to see

We're taking family pictures with the Trees
Watch out for the cactus!

We're playing a bit more with the saw

Good parents is what we-e are

From Christmas Tree Hunt 2010

We're playing a bit more with the saw
Yay! All parts accounted for

Jack's taking home his little Christmas Tree
"Mommy, it's bigger than me!"

They're shaking off his little Christmas Tree

Well, it was an experience!

(Yeah. I'm bored this morning. But that's it. Our Christmas Tree chopping experience in words, song and pictures. We later went to Home Depot and bought a Frasier Fir. That event was not photographed.)

Christmas Season Activities

2010-11-30T09:38:00.000-05:00

This is a shocker, I know. But, here goes:

I stress. A lot.

No, really. It's true. I may not stress about normal mom things, but oh, I stress.

When I stress, I shut down. The TV goes on, the junk food comes out and the house becomes a disaster. It's AWESOME. Or something not at all like that.

I, weirdly, tend to do better when I'm busy. But for me to be busy, I have to have a plan. No plan -->stress, shut down, TV & junk food.

I'm planning for Christmas. My shopping is (90%) finished. My decorating is 50% there.

I want to enjoy this season. It's the first one that Jack really kind of sort of gets. I want to show him things and help him to experience things and listen to his little voice say "Woooooooow".

Thus, I'm making a list. Checking it 92,000 times. And here it is:

Things I want to do with the Monkey this December:

Visit the Kuhn Flowers window
Go to a living nativity
Go to the Winter Wonderland in St. Augustine
Christmas Boat Parade
Church Christmas Pageant
Make Apple Cinnamon Ornaments
Drive around and look at lights
Have a few movie nights
Go to Doing Dishes
Neighborhood Christmas Party
Visit Santa
Bake and decorate cookies
Do an advent calendar the entiiiiiiiire month.
Snuggle in front of the fire and listen to Christmas carols (this may better be done with the dogs and husband once Monkey is in bed).
Go to PBK Singalong
Host a Winter Activity playdate

This list may grow as I find fun activities, Or it may shrink as I realize that some stuff isn't doable. But it's an outline of a plan. And that's a start!

Toddler Talk: Breastfeeding

2010-11-07T13:53:00.000-05:00

When I took Bradley classes, my instructor (who nursed her son 'til 4.5) said "all women should nurse until their children can talk. They say the funniest things". I always planned to nurse until he was one, maybe later, but kind of rolled my eyes at the hippiness of the comment.

Hah!

On Friday, at my Sister-in-Law's rehearsal dinner, Jack looked at the two bottles of beer sitting in front of me (one was almost empty, the waiter had brought a replacement. I wasn't double fisting!). He pointed at one and said "juice".

I said, "Yes, Mommy's juice".

He pointed at the other, "Daddy's juice?".

I said, "Yes, Daddy's juice". (Why confuse the child).

He pointed at mine again, "Mommy's juice?".

"Yes, Mommy's juice."

Pointed at my boob "Jack's juice".

Yes, baby, that's Jack's juice.

GAH!

2010-11-06T13:07:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning with my eye swollen halfway shut. My sister-in-law, Amelia, gets married today. I have to be in pictures. I'm having an allergic reaction to...something (thinking trees). I have all kinds of fun plans today before the wedding.

Boo.

Camp Chowenwaw Sensory Walk

2010-11-05T12:54:00.000-04:00

This week, a friend of mine set up a nature walk at a nearby national park. One of the rangers did her VERY FIRST Pre-school event - and it was great!

The kids all got to learn about the outdoors; smell, feel and see lots of stuff; then finish the day with a walk down the dock and some time on the playground.

Leaves and sticks live in the woods

Balls DON'T live in the woods. Let's put that one in Ranger Barb's Bag

Hmmm...what else doesn't belong?

Good find, M!

The shell is rough on one side

and smooth on the other!

Reindeer Fur is SOFT!

It also makes a good hat!

All of the kids listening to Ranger Barb

Learning about Pinecones

And Pine needles!

Jack is REALLY into holding hands lately!

Finding seeds

Silly B

Those leaves smell good

So does cinnamon!

And cocoa!

Touching a snake skin

Then it's time to play!

From November 2010

Shutterfly Christmas Card Giveaway!

2010-11-04T23:01:00.000-04:00

This is going to sound crazy. I have a teeny little business deoted to photo design, including Christmas cards. Every year, I spend hours agonizing over the perfect card for my family. It always has to be fresh and interesting and a little bit more than anyone elses.

And I"m tired.

This year, I'm just plain tired.

So, I went looking and kept hearing how great 's cards were. And I remembered having good experiences with them, back before I started doing my own. And then I heard that is giving away cards if you write a blog post. And then I looked at their cards.

They are CUTE. And fresh. And fun.

And easy. So, so easy.

Drag, drop, click and submit.

No Photoshop.

Yeah, I think I'm going this way, this year.

(and if you want to as well, click here to see how to get 50 free cards)

Better

2010-11-03T10:27:00.000-04:00

Just an update. Things aren't awesome at my house. But they're better.

My mom kept the Monkey Friday night, and Daniel and I talked. It was good.

He admits he tried to hurt me with his words. He succeeded. And he apologized. I am insanely incapable of holding a grudge, so we're going along. It'll be OK. Just not quite yet.

I appreciate the support!

Mommy Heart Attacks

2010-11-02T08:47:00.000-04:00

When Jack was about 6 weeks old, I started calling him Monkey. No idea why. And, then, I had no idea how well it would fit.

The child? Is a monkey. He climbs everything. He hangs upside down from bars and trees and whatever.

And he is going to give me a heart attack.

Last night, he fell down the stairs. All the way down. Tumbling. I wasn't there. I heard thumps and yells and baby screams. And my husband, who doesn't worry, yelling for him.

He's fine. Thanks, God, he's fine.

But that's just the 100th of many more heart attacks the child is going to give me.

(he also gives heart attacks to kittens)

Tot School X is for X-Ray

2010-11-01T22:48:00.000-04:00

Jack is 25 months old

I'm kind of getting it back together, Tot School wise! Yay! This week we did X is for X-ray and then kind of general Halloween stuff. I didn't take pictures of the letter, but it was copied straight from No Time for Flashcards, so you can see it there!

We also put Halloween clings on the windows. And pulled them off. And put them on. And so on.

Stomped on plastic packing stuff to hear it bang! (Hearing's a sense!)

And dropped tiny little skeletons (Jack learned about bones) into his candy bucket. He LOVED this activity. He played with it all week. After about 3 minutes, we realized that just standing was too easy, so...

He climbed up onto the hearth. Still too easy.

Yes, I let my child stand on the coffee table.

He also played with fall leaf stickers. I'm so excited that he can pull them off the sheet alone now!

I have a new laminator, so I had fun making little bones for him to play with. I tried to get him to sort by size, but he is really uninterested in sorting at this point. So I showed him X's made of bones.

We also played with the X-ray cards from Chasing Marcus, and shook the appropriate body parts when we looked at the matching X-ray.

And we watched the Skeleton Dance on You Tube

We had a fun week, and I'm glad to be getting going again!
For more Tot School, visit 1+1+1=1.

Tot School W is for Worm

2010-11-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

Yes, there's a lot to catch up on. I haven't posted a Tot School post since L. But, well, if I try to catch up, I never will, so we'll start from here!

Jack was 24 months old. His friends were 25 & 31 months.

This was a really fun Tot School day (yes, through the beginning of October, I was only managing DAYS!).

We did "W is for worm" and the craft turned out adorably.

First, Mike's mom brought over some REAL LIVE WORMS! The kids weren't sure about them at first, but they warmed up!

Then we went inside to put together our letter page. Kiki's mom was in charge this week, and I LOVE what she came up with. Ideally, the kids were going to color the apples. And two did. Monkey, though...well, coloring isn't his thing. He does love to glue, though.

We cut W's from felt and stuck them (like worms) through an apple. We added googly eyes later on!

Then, we went outside and played in the dirt! We put glue on the paper and found some real dirt to put on the bottom. We also found more worms!

And the final product!

We had fun, the kids had fun, and they were exposed to new things...that's what matters, right?

For more Tot School, visit 1+1+1=1

Hard

2010-10-27T21:23:00.001-04:00

It's been a hard few days - week? - in Monkey Land. I've tweeted it to no end, but Daniel and I are having some issues. Pretty much the biggest issues we've had in our marriage.

Nothing marriage ending. It would take, I don't know what, to end it. But still unpleasant.

He seems to have had a lot that he's been keeping from me - thoughts, feelings, opinions - for a while now.

And it all exploded in little bursts between last week and this Sunday. Sunday was ugly. Sunday smooshed a little piece of my heart.

Now. It's weird. We're acting totally normal. And yet, not.

I'm closed off. Not cold, just...different. I'm very lovey dovey touchy feely. Constantly. Annoyingly.

I'm quick to anger, quick to forgiveness. Now, I'm at a dull low roar of constant - something.

I'm angry over his dishonesty. I'm hurt by some of what he said (very, very hurt). Even the stuff that I know is true.

I don't want to forgive. I don't want to get past it. And he hasn't apologized.

We're acting normal. We're not.

I need to forgive him. That's what Jesus wants, right? My marriage is the most important relationship, 2nd to my relationship with God, right?

Right now? I'm all about Jack. I'm here for Jack.

It will get better. I'm starting counseling next week (he won't go). I know it will get better. I want it to get better.

And yet, part of me, doesn't.

(I'm confused. Pray for me, please. For healing and forgiveness and patience. For peace.)

On Childhood Nudity

2010-10-23T09:15:00.000-04:00

Sprinkled throughout my blog, are some pictures of my son naked.

My son is not-quite-25 months. He's a baby.

Most of the pictures are from when he was under a year old, but some are in his second year. It doesn't matter.

Children are not sexual creatures. If a person sees a small child and finds that photo inappropriately sexual, it says a heck of a lot more about the person making that judgment than it does about the person who took the photo.

Babies and toddlers tend to get naked. They like it. And they figure out pretty early how to go about making it happen.

And, darnit, baby bottoms are cute.

Cute.

Yes, our society - American society - has sexualized and stigmatized large portions of life. Breastfeeding in public is, in some opinions, too intimate (read: sexual). And naked babies at the beach are inappropriate.

Except, well, they're not. Neither is sexual. Both are natural, healthy, free. And that's good.

Soon enough kids will have societal restrictions about their bodies put on them. Soon enough they'll giggle awkwardly at the word "breast". Why start now?

I have recently received a few comments on an old post on my blog which included Jack - at THIRTEEN MONTHS OLD - naked. His penis was not visible (I mean, really...even baby penis isn't cute.). His bum was slightly visible. Mainly hips. He was playing in a box, after all.

The first comment made me laugh. I was called a child abuser and told that I deserved to go straight to hell for violating my child's privacy rights. It was funny.

The second? Was creepy. I imagine it was the same anonymous poster, but I can't be sure. But it was creepy.

So I deleted both, and then considered deleting the photos. Seriously. It creeped me out that much.

But I decided not to. I posted innocent, sweet, playful photos of my child. And I'll continue to do so. This blog is - entirely - for me. To remember my son and these days. And his being silly, stripping off his diaper and playing, are memories I want to keep.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Jack!

2010-09-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Monkey-mine,
You're 2 years old. Can you believe it? The last 24 months have moved so quickly (although some of the 730 days have moved slowly).

Two years ago, you were a tiny, smooshy baby with dark hair, an adorable sneeze, and an easy, calm personality.

1 Day Old

Now you're a running, jumping, screaming toddler, with blond hair, an adorable voice, and a sweet, busy personality.

13 months old

I love both yous. And I can't wait to love the you you are tomorrow and the day after and for the rest of time.

You don't stop. You hate to stop for bath, or sleep, or meals. I don't know how you keep growing, you eat so little and play so hard, but grow you do. According to your playschool, you are 28 pounds & 34.5 inches tall. Not big, not little. Just Jack.

You love your friends. You are so excited to see Micah or Kiki or Savannah or Ana. You love your school. You run in daily and go straight to the "fucks", which you then zoom around the room. You love bikes, cars, trains, planes, and boats. You're all boy. You love bubbles, and dogs and horses. You love "Pop-pops", and ask for one 7 times a day.

23 months old

You love your Daddy, and get so excited when he comes home from work. You love your mommy. You love to nurse.

You climb. Everything. You love to jump.

23 months old

You aren't a big talker, but you're getting there. Every week there's a little more - vocabulary, communication, comprehension. I see you grow right before my eyes.

20 months old

You stopped sucking your thumb this summer. I miss it. You have adjusted, though, and it will probably save us stress in the long run.

19 months old

You are stubborn and strong-willed, and while some days are difficult, I wouldn't change it. I know you will grow into a man (sob!) who knows his own mind and will stand by his decisions and responsibilities. You are excited by everything you see, and you purse your lips and say "Oooh" when something, anything, interests you. It is so easy to make you happy, to make you feel loved.

22 months old

You're independent. You happily run into a room alone, or explore just a little too far for my heart, yet you come running to me if you're scared or sad or hurt or hungry.

You're growing up, my love. Not every day is easy. But every day is a blessing. I love watching you grow and change. I miss the little, tiny smooshy boy you once were, but I love even more the boy you are now.

15 months old

You're growing up, my love. Still my baby, always my baby, but more and more your own person.

16 months old

I hope this third year of your life is the best one yet. I hope you grow and learn and play and are happy. I pray God continues to bless you and to keep you safe. I love you.

Mommy

Manic Monday

2010-09-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

For the 97 jillionth time I'm going to attempt to blog regularly. I'm also going to attempt to think about what I blog, to re-read my posts, and to spend more than 5 minutes per post. Really. Attempt.

I'm going to start by allowing myself, on Mondays, to blab out all of my thoughts, without thought. Work for you? It doesn't matter. It works for me:-) Today.

We had a great weekend. Wonderful. I am going to blog pictures, but for now? It was awesome. My boys and I bonded and connected in a way we haven't in quite a while. Apparently, Orlando is good for relationships. I say this because half of the people I know spent the weekend (separately) there, and all of us came home happier with our partners. New way of Disney advertising?

On the drive home, Jack slept. I desperately needed to use the bathroom, but was terrified to pull over. After all, it could wake him. So I made Daniel talk to me on the phone (he was in his new truck) the whole drive to distract me from my bladder. At one point he said "Kimberly, we're not in high school anymore. I don't have to talk to you for hours". I laughed hysterically and told him that I couldn't wait to blog that comment.

Ikea? My favorite place ever. I want to live there. Also, I want to spend $10,000 and bring it home with me.

Nightweaning has failed. Well, I have failed. We ordered a My Tot Clock, and are going to start again on Friday. I hate the parenting philosophy of that company, but I really like the product. It's a programmable clock that will have a blue light at "sleep" time and yellow at "wake" time. I'm going to use it as a replacement for the dark/no nurse light/nurse plan. That failed because I DON'T MIND nursing at 5/6am. When it's dark. Oops. Poor, confused toddler.

Jack's been having longer days at schol, and the biting has decreased by 90%. Awesome. New problem? He won't eat at school and his teacher wants me to send "chips, pudding, lunchables". Um...ok? I'm not so big a fan of preservatives and dyes. Well, I am. But I don't want Jack to be. Also, after reading this, I really want to reform all of our diets.

We're working on the room swap this week. I can't wait. Our house is going to be so much nicer. Our lives are going to be so much nicer.

My sister (@sillykelley) tweeted yesterday: I am laying on a sheet in my yard with my horse, dog and kittens. All 5 of us are naked as the day we were born". It made me laugh. She then had a naked picnic with her boyfriend. Glad O-town cured them as well.

I can't decide between Jack being a dinosaur, Daniel being an archaeologist and the dogs eggs for Halloween, or Jack being a cowboy, Daniel a horse, the dogs cows. Thoughts?

I'm kind of failing at Discovery Toys. Trying not to. Failing more. Hmmm...anyone want a toy?

I want to turn off the TV for a few weeks. Or months. Jack watched no TV until March. Now? Way too much. It quickly becomes an addiction. Don't like it.

OK, have to get dressed and get the boy from school. Perhaps I'll add to this. Perhaps I won't.

Catching Up on Blogging

2010-09-21T10:31:00.000-04:00

Clearly, I'm way behind on blogging. It's sad.

As I catch up, I'm going to post them for the dates they should have been posted. So, also, I'm posting here & going to link. And this will give me a running catch up list.

Nursing Photos
23 Month Photos
Tot School Catch Up
Barefoot Books
1st Day of School
Beach week
Kelley grad
Cousins Photos
Birthday Party
Biting

Becoming my mother

2010-09-21T09:36:00.000-04:00

I had a Kimmy moment last night. It scared me. And possibly Twitter.

I come from a long line of crazy. I am (believe it or not) the normal one.

To this day, my mother will tell me that she worries about the cake at my 7th birthday party (it wasn't what I wanted, apparently) or the photos at my 3rd.

I think she's insane. Well, I know she's insane, but I think the whole ridiculous worrying thing is really insane.

Last night, I became her.

We had camera issues at Jack's 2nd birthday party Saturday. Fortunately, my lovely, talented friend Jenn brought her camera. Unfortunately, Jenn and I can not read each other's minds.

I know. It's sad.

I was kind of proud of Jack's party. It was popsicle themed, we had some cute decorations that I made.

Last night I had a complete panic attack that Jenn had not taken pictures of some of the details. You know, because as talented as she is (and she is) she does not read my mind. (Possibly because my mind is crazy and would scare her).

First I lost it on my husband. He, in Ohio for work, had very little patience for me.

I decided to lose it all over twitter.

Really. It was crazy.

Jenn was patient, fixed me, and told me that she actually did have all the pictures and it was all OK. And to breathe.

I really needed that last advice.

It's all fine. And in the light of day I realize how ridiculous I was. Actually, I realized it last night, I just couldn't stop. It was bad.

And it scares me. I love my mom. A lot. But she is...different. And not always functional. And I really don't want to become her.

Last night I got a glimpse. It wasn't fun. I need to work on this.

Deep breathes, Kimberly.

Today

2010-09-09T14:17:00.000-04:00

This morning Jack was watching Veggie Tales & I was using our (brand new!) laptop on the couch next to him. He was trying to snuggle/kiss/hug me, and I kept shooing him away, so that I could (Tweet, Facebook, Craigslist).

Then I realized. My little boy wants mommy time. Why am I stopping it? He needs me. I need him.

So I put down the computer. I put away my phone. We went for a walk (without my phone!) and then to the pool to swim. We played together for hours.

We connected.

For what feels like the first time in a long time.

It's been a hard summer.

I've been in a bad place in my head. My husband and I have been in a funk. I was sick for a month.

I've disconnected from my boys. Both of them. All of them. I barely look at the dogs.

Jack & I had so much fun today. He giggled in that lighthearted, baby way that I hadn't heard in a while.

I wonder if our recent behavioral issues are a product of lack of attention - real attention. Attention without email/twitter/facebook checks.

Maybe.

I can't change the summer. I can change the fall.

I can enjoy this little person. Enjoy my family. Step away from technology and into life. Quit reading about parenting and talking about parenting and actually parent.

He's napping now - the quiet, content nap of an exhausted, played out baby.

I love him.

Jack 23 Month Pro Photos

2010-09-01T10:10:00.001-04:00

Jess Cumbie offered mini-sessions at a discount in August. Since I'm a complete and total mini-session addict, I took her up on it. Here are some of my favorites of Jack:

You can also see all of them, here:

Jess is extremely talented & comes highly recommended!

10 on...SomeDay

2010-08-28T23:38:00.000-04:00

1) I've been sick. Very, very sick. Not with anything in particular. Some random bug or somesuch. But I spent the better part of a month alternately shivering and sweating on the couch. It was not fun. At all. Really. And my poor, poor child. He basically watched TV & ate nuggets for a month. Major mommy fail. But I'm all better now.

2) I'm also back on antidepressants. I went off of them during my pregnancy to protect Jack from all of the various chemicals and side effects. Now...I think Jack needs a mommy with energy and joy. I think Daniel needs a wife who is not a total bitch. So, yeah. I love Effexor. A lot.

3) During World Breastfeeding Week, I had nursing pics taken. It was fun. The pics are great. I'll post them sometime. Really. I promise. I mean it. Yep.

4) Being sick in the summer sucks. Not only because you want to be out playing and instead are doing nothing, but also because I LOST A WHOLE MONTH OF SUMMER. And -

5) Jack started "school". In reality it's a Mother's Morning Out program, but they have a curriculum, so it counts as school. Really, he's there for two reasons: 1) I think he needs more structure and to learn to listen to someone besides me. 2) I need a break sometimes. I am very likely to homeschool later on, and believe in unschooling to an extent, but for toddlerhood...I like preschool.

6) But back to point 4. My poor child went to school on the first day with shaggy hair, crappy lunch and a too small backpack. We're slowly getting it together.

7) Also, Jack's a biter. He's always been a bit of a biter, but a few things suddenly changed & the situation is BAD. He injured a tooth and his mouth hurts. That makes him bitey. It also made him stop sucking his thumb. Now he has no way of soothing himself AND less oral stimulation. The biting is crazy. I had a complete breakdown over it the other night. I had a friend email me to tell me that Jack bit her daughter during a playdate (I didn't see it) and that it wasn't "a huge deal as long as it never happens again". Well...i have no control over that. Basically, it means that until he stops biting, this friend and I can't hang out. yay. We're working on it, but it's hard. Reasoning with an almost-2-year-old is hard. We are reading "Teeth Aren't for biting" every day, I'm trying to give him a chew toy to get some oral stimulation, and I'm keeping a close eye on sleepiness. Beyond that...ideas?

8) I am in one of those phases where I REALLY want to be in school. I miss it. I miss learning. I miss using my brain. I miss working toward a goal. I want to be a counselor, and think I'd be good at it. Blah. This isn't the time, but it's still hard to wait sometimes.

9) I am addicted to Twitter. Follow me at @monkeytalesmama.

10) We're hopefully doing the great room swap of 2010 soon. I'll post when it happens. We're making our 500 sq ft bedroom into a playroom/office, Jack's room into our room, and the junk/guest room into Jack's room. We're going to slooooowly start transitioning him into his own room. I think.

And...that's my month.

Night, y'all!

World Breastfeeding Week - Pro Photos (Jack 22 Months)

2010-08-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

I've always wanted to have nursing photos of Jack taken, but was sure I had missed my opportunity. Who, after all, has nursing photos taken with an almost-2-year-old.

Then I realized. Sure, he seems big now, but in a decade? I'll want to look back at my baby.

I contacted local photographer Amanda Dennette and set up a session. She's also a toddler-nursing mom, so I knew she'd feel comfortable and know what I wanted.

And she did great!

Here are a few of our favs:

Do you remember?

2010-07-31T19:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Monkeymylove,
I think some of the sweetest memories of my life are of that first month with you. We lived on the couch, nursing, staring at each other and snoozing when appropriate. I'd sometimes watch reruns of What not to Wear while you napped. We got to know each other. It was peaceful, simple, easy. So, so easy.

Maybe that's why we hang onto it. Maybe a little part of you and a big part of me can remember those quiet, happy days when you were teeny tiny. Maybe when we nurse, it takes us back there. Or maybe it's just me.

You're so big now. So sweet. So much to love and to handle and to keep up with. But every morning and every naptime you roll over and look at me with your big sweet eyes, give me a smile and nurse. And we're connected. You're so peaceful in those (short) moments.

I don't know that I am the best mom I could be to you. I don't play enough, have enough patience, but as I nourish you from my body and watch your sweet face, I pray that you know how much I love you. And how much I want to do my very best for you.

Love, Mama

The End of Nursing?

2010-07-30T12:15:00.002-04:00

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe’s Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on the Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today’s post is about child-led weaning. Please read the other blogs in today’s carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I don't think it's coming any time soon. I always knew that I was going to nurse until a year and from then "as long as we were both happy". Now that we've gotten pretty much successfully through nightweaning (he's sleeping 9-9.5 hours straight!!!), I'm good. I'll nurse this child as long as he wants.

I think.

Last month, around the time that I think I ovulated, it FLIPPING KILLED me to nurse. It hurt ridiculously badly. I suffered through it, but hated every moment. It lasted five days, and then we were fine. I can deal with 5 bad days a month.

However, if when I get pregnant the situation becomes that bad and remains that bad, I may change my mind. I probably won't fully forcibly wean, but I'll offer distractions first and see what happens (sippy cup and a bike read in the morning, rather than a long, leisurely nursing session).

I hope it doesn't come to that. I love nursing Jack. It's such a sweet connection for us, such a quiet calm way for us to come together a few times during the day and refresh before the craziness begins again. I am fully open to tandem nursing, and think it would be a nice bonding experience for my kids. I used to say three was my cut off. Now it's...when he's ready, before Kindergarten. Wow! I don't think I've said that out loud before!

In my happy little dreamworld here's my ideal scenario: I get pregnant soon, have no issues in pregnancy, move Jack happily into his own room, have my VBAC and then...

Cosleep with new baby, while Jack joins us for nursing and snuggles in the mornings. Then naptime and bedtime nursing for Jack, while new baby nurses on demand. Maybe that'll be too much for me. Or my supply. Or, most likely, maybe Jack will be cutting down a lot by then.

But, as with the nightweaning, as with our near future attempts to move him out of our bed, as with any part of this parenting gig - it'll last as long as it's working for a majority of us. Right now, it is. If that changes, I'll do it as long as I can, then start making changes. The older he gets, the less likely I am too torture myself for our nursing relationship (I would have nursed him 'til one had it (almost) killed me, at almost two, things are different. At almost three, they'll be more different).

We'll see how it goes. Is there really another choice?

/> Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding
Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added
throughout the day.

Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/breastfeeding-carnival-child-led-weaning/

>Breastfeeding Carnival: Child-led Weaning

Shary Lopez @ Mama Fish—http://www.blog.sharylove.com/?p=209

>On How We Concluded Our Breastfeeding Relationship...

BoobiesNBabies @ Num In Mind—http://numinmind.blogspot.com/2010/07/she-will-let-me-know.html">She Will Let me Know

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-mt">Facing It As It Comes

Lexi @ Life As A Mommy—http://dennyandlexi.blogspot.com/2010/07/shes-done-when-shes-done.html">She's Done When SHE'S Done

Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/where-she-leads.html">Where she leads

Charity @ Imperfect Happiness—http://imperfecthappiness.wordpress.com/2010/07/30/child-led-weaning-breastfeeding-cafe-carnival-post/">Child-led Weaning Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival Post

Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/mutual-weaning-my-new-terminology.html">Mutual Weaning - My New Terminology

Renee @ Just the 5 of us!—http://yeoman5.blogspot.com/2010/07/child-led-weaning-730.html">Weaning

Brittany @ Birth Unplugged—http://birthunplugged.blogspot.com/2010/07/no-nutritional-benefit-breastfeeding.html">No Nutritional Benefit Breastfeeding

Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—http://monkeytalesmamathoughts.blogspot.com/2010/07/end-of-nursing.html">End of Nursing

And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Marilee Poulson—http://wp.me/pwUtv-ke">The Normal Course of Breastfeeding

Wearing my Baby

2010-07-26T07:50:00.003-04:00

Well before I realized I would be any sort of an "Attachment Parent" or "crunchy" parent, I knew I would babywear and breastfeed. Breastfeeding, because, well, I was. And as far as I knew, that's just what you did. Babywearing because it was cool, and cute, and easy, and you could do things! I just loved the idea.

I thought I was going to use Mei Tai's or a pouch sling. Peanut Shells were just adorable and Mei Tai's looked comfy.

Then...I don't know.

When Jack was a newborn I could just never get him positioned properly. He'd look like he couldn't breathe. My back would hurt. It just didn't work.

I kept trying. I bought a Maya Wrap. Several pouches. Then, when he was 2 months old, I went to the home of a friend and babywearing expert. She showed me how to wrap and I was hooked!

I had learned my lesson on spending money, so first I just bought a LONG piece of jersey knit and made my own Moby. It was SO COMFORTABLE. And so easy once I got the hang of it. I could wander around the mall with Jack sleeping cozily on my chest. So I bought a Moby or two. And a Hopp. The Hopp never worked for me. I'm plus-sized, it wasn't, it was heavy and thick, and...just not for us. But I used those Moby's WELL past the recommended 15 pounds. I tied super-tight and was happy as a clam.

Until Jack turned 9 months old, started walking, and never looked back.

I couldn't wear him at all for several months. He just wanted to be down. And running.

Then I got a Calyx and I pulled back out one of those old pouches. Both are wonderful. The pouch is, to this day, perfect for running into a store where I don't want him to touch everything. Or for wearing him when he's not going to stay up long, and I don't want to be sad to put him down. The Calyx is my go-to for zoo days or fairs or anything where we're walking for a long time. It's not as quick as an Ergo or other buckle carrier, but it's so comfy & secure for me and Jack.

I never could breastfeed and wear him. I don't know if it's because my, ahem, large, breasts aren't quite perky enough for him to easily reach or if I am just not coordinated enough. It didn't work for us.

I'm going to have to learn. I can't imagine surviving as the (eventual) mom of two kids without being able to nurse a newborn in a sling while I chase the Monkey. Not and be the kind of mom I want to be.

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: Babywearing
Emily @ Baby Dickey—do you babywear?
Shelly @ Lousy Mom—Babywearing vs carrying
Amy @ Anktangle—I love babywearing
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Our Babywearing Journey
Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Wearing My Baby
Lexi @ Life As A Mommy—Baby on Board - Literally
Sarah @ Most Revealing—Do you babywear?
And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Amanda Watsky—My Evolution in Babywearing

Breastfeeding, Cosleeping & Nightweaning, Oh my!

2010-07-25T14:06:00.003-04:00

When I was pregnant, I knew I was going to breastfeed. I also knew I was going to have Jack sleep in an Arm's Reach Co-sleeper for the first 6 month and then transfer him to his crib. When he was old enough to understand. At six months.

Of course, it turned out that I couldn't stand to be inches away from him and had to have him in bed with me. It also turned out that he wasn't one of those magical "good" sleepers that I hear so much about. And, well, while my child is obviously brilliant (lol), he did not understand at six months that sleeping alone was good.

At twenty-two months old, Jack still sleeps with us. It's a love/hate kind of thing.

I believe that cosleeping really helped our breastfeeding relationship -- especially in the beginning. Those wee hours were so much less painful when I just had to roll over, nurse, and roll back over to sleep.

As time has gone, and Jack has matured to being a very independent, very active toddler, cosleeping and breastfeeding has helped us to reconnect even after a long day of climbing and jumping and frustrations. I credit some of his independence on our nighttime relationship. I credit some of our bond to it as well. And I wouldn't change a thing. Even though I know that I would sleep better with him in a different room, or if he weaned, I've stuck with it.

Most of our nursing, at this point, has been happening at night. He's too busy during the day to nurse - and has been since 14 months old. So, for the most part, he nurses 3-4 times during the night, first thing in the morning and right around naptime.

Or he did.

Last Friday, July 16, we began nightweaning. As important as breastfeeding and cosleeping is too my parenting relationship, it is beginning to wear on my relationship with my husband. He needs space. He needs me. And I want to have another baby.

We went cold turkey. Knowing his personality, a slow change wouldn't have worked. The "Pantley Pull Off" or Dr. Gordons Plan would have frustrated the heck out of him. So, instead, I taught him "light and dark" and then told him that when it was dark "nursies went to sleep". And he understood. I know he understood because by the second night he would SCREAM when he heard those words. And I held him, and snuggled him and told him that as soon as it was light he could nurse. And he went back to sleep.

Last night, the 9th night, he slept 8.5 hours straight, woke at 4:30, I told him it was dark and nursies were sleeping, and he rolled over and went back to sleep. He slept until 6:30 when we nursed and got up for the day.

He nursed at naptime today, and I'm enforcing (encouraging?) a before bed session as well. And things are changing. In the next few months we're going to help him move into his own room. I'm on the hunt for a boat bed for him, as I know it will thrill him.

In part of Dr. Jay Gordon's sleep article, he says "“Yes, for the past many months we have enjoyed voting “1 to 2″ — non-democratically — in favor of . . . the baby. ‘Anyone want to get up all night, feed and walk the baby and be really tired all day and the next day too?’ Well, the is 1 to 2 in favor of the baby. Now, what we’re saying is, we will sometimes be voting two to one in favor of the baby’s family. This “baby’s family” concept may be abhorrent to he who considers himself the King of England, or Emperor of the Whole World, but our knowing he has that feeling of power allows us to confidently demote the dictator to a majority-respecting member of the family. His family."

Because he is a part of our family. A very, very important part. But as he matures and approaches two years old, he - and I - are having to realize that he is not the only part. And his Daddy counts, too.

/> Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding
Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added
throughout the day.

Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—http://chaoticmama.wordpress.com/2010/07/25/breastfeeding-carnival-nighttime-nursing/">Breastfeeding Carnival: Nighttime Nursing

Emily @ Baby Dickey—http://babydickey.com/2010/07/25/nighttime-nursing-parenting/">Nighttime Nursing & Parenting

Timbra @ Bosoms & Babes—http://bosoms-and-babes.blogspot.com/2010/07/will-we-ever-sleep-again.html">Will we ever sleep again?

Lexi @ Life As A Mommy—http://dennyandlexi.blogspot.com/2010/07/night-shift.html">Night Shift

Kate @ KateIsFun—http://kateisfun.blogspot.com/2010/07/nighttime-parenting-nursing.html">Nighttime Parenting & Nursing

Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—http://bringbirthhome.com/breastfeeding/night-nursing-parenting/">How I Parent & Nurse at Night

Shelly @ Lousy Mom—http://lousymom.com/content/how-do-i-sleep-early">How do I sleep this early

Lauren @ Hobo Mama—http://www.hobomama.com/2010/07/nighttime-parenting-and-right-attitude.html">Nighttime parenting and the right attitude

Natasha @ naturalurbanmama—http://www.naturalurbanmama.com/2010/07/nighttime-parenting-and-nursing-i.html">Nighttime Parenting and Nursing: I really just want to sleep!

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—http://wp.me/pDcm9-lu">Co-sleeping and Breastfeeding to Function

Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—http://monkeytalesmamathoughts.blogspot.com/2010/07/breastfeeding-cosleeping-nightweaning.html">Breastfeeding, Co-sleeping & Nightweaning, oh my!

And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Jasmine Jafferali—http://wp.me/pwUtv-kn">Jasmine Jafferali

Birth and Boobs

2010-07-22T11:23:00.002-04:00

When it gets down to it, everything about my pregnancy/delivery/postpartum period was fairly easy. I had absolutely no pregnancy issues. I had a long labor followed by a cesarean, but an easy recovery. We had virtually no nursing issues. It all just went smoothly along (almost) as planned.

Despite the best efforts of the hospital staff.

I've blogged so much about birth recently, I'm not going to start again (I swear!), but I will say one thing and then move on to the immediate post-partum hospital experience (because the hospital experience is a part of most American women's birth experience).

I initially wanted a natural childbirth for two reasons: 1) Control. I did NOT want to be stuck in a bed with people yelling PUSH. 2) I wanted to breasteed. I was going to breastfeed. It was of utmost importance.

When I finally got 41 hours into labor with a stuck baby and the doctor said cesarean and I (exhausted) agreed, I was nervous about nursing. About 2 hours after his birth I asked the nurses to send the lactation consultant around the next day, just to make sure things were going right.

She was actually good and supportive. She showed me how to lightly express colostrum to reassure me that I was making some and to give him a hint of taste. She helped me with his latch. She said we were doing great. She told me to rub his cheek to encourage him to open up, to watch behind his ear to make sure he was swallowing and to NOT touch his cheek when he was latched on.

Then that night happened. At this point, Jack was 30 hours old.

The nurse came in at about 3:00 am to "check" on us. She asked me when his last wet diaper was. I told her around 1:00 (he had had 5 at that point). She asked me when he last nursed and for how long. I told her that he had nursed for a few minutes about 1.5 hours before. She told me that I had to nurse more, better, longer. I said I had tried, but that he was sleepy.

She insisted I wake him up, right then (btw - he was a 41 weeker and almost 8 lbs). I did. He didn't want to nurse. She kind of opened his mouth and forced him to latch. Then started stroking his cheek with her hand (exactly what the LC had said not to do). He didn't nurse.

So she said she was going to supplement him. I asked why. She said "we are going to supplement him or we are going to take him from you. Is that what you want? Do you want to leave the hospital without him? Do you want him to have zero blood sugar and die?".

Of course I said I didn't want that, but that he had nursed recently and he seemed fine. He was tired. That was OK. His stomach was the size of a small marble. She kept yelling at me. I started crying. My (very very calm) husband got upset. She called another nurse in to try to force him to nurse. At this point we were about 2 hours from the Pediatrician coming by, so I told her that if the doctor wanted me to supplement him I would, but not in the meantime. She stormed out of my room.

The doctor pronounced him perfect, and told me that at that point of his life all they were looking for was 1-2 wet diapers.

One to two.

He had had five.

And yet, I was lectured, yelled at, had my boobed jammed around and smooshed. Had my sleeping newborn woken up. Threatened.

Had I not been so determined to nurse, I would have said fine, of course, give him formula. Had I not read so much, researched so much, I would have been terrified. Had Daniel and I both not been nursed for a year, we may not have known the importance or grown up thinking that breastfeeding was the normal way.

I see, now, why so many women give up so quickly. That first supplement can begin a very slippery slope of supply and latch issues. And the nurses tried to force it on us.

That story, those nurses are a lot of the reason I pray to avoid a hospital birth next time. It isn't just the birth itself or the birth experience (though those are important) it's the postpartum stay and the sabotage and the medical mindset in those first few days of a very tiny person's life.

I am out of town all week and posting scheduled posts. If you need me, email me or just post a comment. I may not get some linkups quite right, but I'll do the best I can.

Here are more posts by the Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival participants! Check back because more will be added throughout the day.

Sylko @ Chaotic Mama—Breastfeeding Carnival: Birth Experience
Emily @ Baby Dickey—How Ryan's birth affected breastfeeding
Kimberly @ Monkey Tales Mama Thoughts—Birth and Boobs
Timbra @ Bosoms and Babes—Birth Experience
Shelley @ Lousy Mom—Birth Experience
Kimberly @ Fertility Flower—Transformative Power of Birth
Claire @ Geeky Gaming Mama—How did my births affect breastfeeding?
Natasha @ naturallurbanmama—My birth experiences, also known as Night and Day!
Kaitlin Rose @ Bring Birth Home—Giving Birth at Home Positively Affected Breastfeeding
Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl—Dealing With the Opposition
And of course the guest poster on the Breastfeeding Cafe’s Blog today is Laurel Miller-Jones—Laurel's Birth Experience and Breastfeeding

Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Photos

2010-07-21T09:16:00.001-04:00

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is Wordless Wednesday: Breastfeeding Photos! Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

Um, so we all know I can't be wordless. But just a few. I don't have any breastfeeding photos of me and Jack. Mainly b/c I am so unhappy with my appearance we don't take many photos. So I'm going to link to some of my favorite, make-you-cry nursing pics.

Quiet
Nude.
Someday.

Oh, how I want breastfeeding photos taken.

I am out of town all week and posting scheduled posts. If you need me, email me or just post a comment. I may not get some linkups quite right, but I'll do the best I can.

Breastfeeding and Employment

2010-07-20T11:18:00.001-04:00

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com" target="_blank">www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Breastfeeding and Employment. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I don't get to talk much on this subject, since I am blessed enough to be a stay at home mom. But I am amazed by the women I know who work and breastfeed. When they tell me about pumping (oh, how I hated to pump) several times a day, horror stories of having their bosses or coworkers walk in during pumping time, or just trying to make it through a meeting without leaking all over their blouses, I am simply in awe.

Seriously, how do you do it? Breastfeeding is one of the most important aspects of my parenting, and yet...I don't know that I'd have the strength. It's impressive.

Nursing/Working moms? All of you? Tell your husbands/partners that I said you deserve a pedicure. Then go get one!

I am out of town all week and posting scheduled posts. If you need me, email me or just post a comment. I may not get some linkups quite right, but I'll do the best I can.

NIPs. Not those. Well, kind of those.

2010-07-19T09:14:00.001-04:00

I am out of town all week and posting scheduled posts. If you need me, email me or just post a comment. I may not get some linkups quite right, but I'll do the best I can.

Welcome to The Breastfeeding Cafe Carnival!

This post was written as part of The Breastfeeding Cafe's Carnival. For more info on the Breastfeeding Cafe, go to www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com" target="_blank">www.breastfeedingcafe.wordpress.com. For more info on The Carnival or if you want to participate, contact Claire at clindstrom2 {at} gmail {dot} com. Today's post is about Nursing in Public. Please read the other blogs in today's carnival listed below and check back for more posts July 18th through the 31st!

I was about 19 years old the first time I noticed anyone Nursing in Public (NIP). My mom, sister, cousin and I were having lunch at Harry's when my cousin, Juliana, pulled up her shirt and began nursing her beautiful 6 month old daughter. I was kind of surprised. Not bothered, but I just didn't know where to look. I quickly realized that I should look wherever I wanted and that it wasn't a big deal at all:-)

Eight years later, I began nursing Jack. For the first few months I could only nurse with my legs crossed, a pillow on my knee and my hand holding my breast up (in fact, 21 months into nursing, I still hold my breast with my hand as we nurse). That wasn't particularly conducive to NIP, mainly because it required a comfortable seat, with a back, and a pillow. Still, though, I nursed in front of people.

For the first few weeks of Jack's life, my sister, her boyfriend and my mom were often around. My sister's poor boyfriend got used to me going "Harris, close your eyes" so that I could pull up my shirt and distort myself to get Jack latched on. Then I'd get all covered up and let him open his eyes. By the time Jack was two months old, he didn't appreciate even the lightest of nursing covers*. He wanted to see the world. So I learned to wear a nursing tank on the bottom and a shirt on top, and I could cover myself completely even while nursing.

And I did. I nursed in front of my husband's (very) conservative grandparents. I nursed at our (fairly) conservative church. I nursed at a restaurant (in a booth, with my diaper bag as a pillow).

The only bad reaction I ever got was in my car. Yep. I sat in my own car, nursing my baby, and someone drove by, stopped, looked at me, glared and drove away. So, SO sorry to bother you (sarcasm).

By the time Jack was 6 months old I didn't have quite as many requirements for nursing position, and so we nursed in the mall and in Gymboree.

And then it happened. My child, always described as "alert", became "busy". And that was it. Nursing in Public became a nightmare. Rather than receiving nourishment or sustenance or comfort, Jack would play whiplash baby. He'd pull on and off, on and off, on and off. Only seconds of suckling, followed by minutes of looking around. And, so, I gave up. Not on nursing. But on nursing anywhere that might disturb him. It wasn't for modesty. It was more for convenience. It just wouldn't work.

I love seeing nursing mothers out in public. It makes me so happy to know that they are comfortably nursing their babies and I can't wait to be joining them in public again.

*I like nursing covers. I think they're cute, and I'm all about finding new, cute things to purchase. I also think they can be helpful for a woman who chooses to preserve her modesty. And I think they're unnecessary. Use 'em if you'd like, don't use them if you'd rather. Don't use them for other people's comfort, but don't hesitate to use them for your own.

Introducing My Discovery Toys Blog

2010-07-19T07:14:00.000-04:00

I have started a blog for my Discovery Toys business. If you're interested, check it out!

B90Days: Check in 3

2010-07-19T03:16:00.000-04:00

I am out of town all week and posting scheduled posts. If you need me, email me or just post a comment. I may not get some linkups quite right, but I'll do the best I can.
I have fail, fail FAILED this week. I am so far behind it's not even funny. I don't even know where to begin getting back on track. We're on vacation this week, so I'm going to try to really focus on getting caught up. I hope I pull it off. I was loving this program, but as so frequently happens in my life, I messed up a little, got discouraged and then kind of gave up. I'm NOT going to do it! I am going to finish something!

I am eventually going to link to MomsToolbox B90Days check-in. But since I'm out of town all week, it may not be today!

Love/Hate/Light/Dark

2010-07-16T14:34:00.002-04:00

Another super-long post. This time on Sleep.

My plan was never to bedshare. My plan, back in those halcyon days where I was pregnant and knew everything about raising children, was for Jack to sleep at night in his Arms Reach Cosleeper and to nap in his crib. Then, at 6 months, when he could understand and when I didn't worry about him anymore, I was going to put him in his crib all night. At one, when he was talking, I'd make him CIO, since then he could understand that it was bedtime and mommy wasn't just leaving.

Ok, yes, yes, I know, its hilarious. I was so naive and innocent back then.

Of course, it turned out that I couldn't handle not touching him when he was sleeping. I wanted to be right there in case he quit breathing or threw up or flew away. He slept on top of me for his first month. Then, when we finally moved to bed, the ARCS was ENTIRELY too far away from me, and he slept in the crook of my arm from that point on.

We did start putting him to bed in his crib at 2 months, and he slept in there for 6 hours at a time. I'd bring him to bed with us when he woke the first time.

Until he was 4 months old and that wakeful period started. And, basically, never ended.

He has been in bed with us full time since then (basically).

I love it. I hate it. Daniel hates it. Jack loves it.

I love the snuggles. I hate the exhaustion, the bedtime fights. I love the quietness of nighttime nursing. I love giving him something that can only come from me and that makes him so happy and peaceful. I hate not sleeping with myhusband.

Jack is now 21 months old. He's happy, healthy, independent and securely attached.

He goes to bed between 8 and 9 after between 30 minutes and 2 hours of rocking. Daniel has been doing bedtime since August. It does help. It's still bad.

He wakes to nurse between 2 and 4 times a night. He generally wakes for the day around 7:30, but that, too, is variable.

We are officially TTC.

I kind of like the idea of tandem nursing. I completely hate the idea of "The Family Bed".

My husband sleeps downstairs as many nights as up with us. He tells me that he wants to sleep with me, but not the munchkin.

It's time to put my husband first. It's time to make changes. Slow, slow changes.

Clearly, it will be at least nine months before we have another baby. I'd like a few months alone, in bed, with Daniel before that happens.

Step 1 starts tonight: Nightweaning.
We're going cold turkey.

Daniel is off work for 9 days, which means we have 9 nights that he can help us. 9 mornings that I can sleep in if I need to.

When Jack wakes up, I will snuggle him, offer him water. If that doesn't work, Daniel will rock him or walk him. Eventually he'll fall asleep. It has to happen, right? I'll nurse him anytime before 7pm and after 5am. That seems fair.

He's going to stay in our bed. I can't imagine moving him to his own room (or even his own bed) until he's waking less. We're fighting one battle at a time.

All week I've been showing him light and dark. We go into the bathroom and turn on and off the lights. Today, when he wakes from his nap, we're going to sit in there and say light and nurse. Then turn them off, say dark, and not nurse.

Tonight I'll nurse him before bed, tell him it's light outside so he can nurse, and then tell him "Nursies are going night-night". A phrase I'm sure I'll repeat all night long.

As soon as it is light outside I'll tell him, and I'll nurse him.

I don't think tonight will be pretty. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not ready. But this has been wonderful as long as it's worked for my family. And it's not working for my family any more.

Step 2 and Step 3 (moving to his own bed and shortening bedtime) will come when nightweaning is established. I'm hoping for end of August.).

Wish us luck!

VBAC - Choices and Craziness

2010-07-16T08:09:00.002-04:00

This, and our nightweaning/bedweaning plans, will likely be taking up a lot of this blog for awhile. I'm obsessing. Fair warning and all that jazz.

Basically, as I see it, technically my options for birth provider/location are:
1) Repeat Cesarean (rcs or cbac)
2) VBAC attempt at hospital
3) VBAC attempt with monitrice* then going to hospital for pushing stage
4) UBAC even I'm not willing to do this
5) Find a doctor somewhere in the state who will sign off on a HBAC and a midwife who will perform it. Possibly it won't really be a HOME birth after cesarean. It might be a HOTEL birth after cesarean. But still.
6) Do the above, don't tell my doctor, and just pay/plan for both.

Yes. This is where my head is right now. Have I mentioned there's a lot of crazy around here? I can't quit thinking. I can't shut up. Get me going and I WON'T STOP!

I don't know that all of those are even possible. I am confident that the first 4 are possible, and hopeful of the last two. But here are the problems:

1) I think this can go without being said, but I'll say it. I want to labor the way I was meant to labor. I want to deliver the way I was meant to deliver. I want a natural, vaginal birth. Additionally, most doctors recommend no more than 3 cesareans and while I probably want no more than 3 children, I don't want to be limited that way.

2) I think I discussed this in my last post on VBAC, but...I had major anxiety during labor. Every time the nurse came in my contractions stalled. That is part of why I think I could not fully dilate. It will NOT be better as a VBAC where there will be more rules and more paranoia.

3) This is a better option. Essentially, I hire the local home birth midwife as a monitrice. I will labor at home (or in the birth center) until I'm ready to push, and then go to the hospital. She is able to check heart tones, check dilation, make sure we're happy and healthy, etc. I still feel TONS of anxiety about going to the hospital at the end. In all likelihood, this is what my plan will be.

4) Um, not for me. I need someone there who knows what they're doing.

5) This is kind of an OK option, except that if I have to transfer for whatever reason, I won't know the doctor performing the cesarean, and I won't have been able to discuss my wishes in advance. I have particular desires when it comes to my c/s, and I know that my last one with my OB is better than most people's. So I really don't want to end up in a worse situation with babe in the nursery, etc.

6) I like this option except for the dishonesty of it. That way I'm covering all my bases. I really do like my OB practice. Yes, they performed a (somewhat) unnecessary cesarean on me last time, but I had labored for a REALLY long time and was stuck. I think for a hospital birth, it was the best I could hope for under the circumstances. They are very VBAC friendly, they are very natural childbirth friendly. It's the HOSPITAL that bothers me, not the practice. It was the nurses that gave me grief, not the doctors. I know that if I need a cesarean they will treat me well, not tie my hands down, let me be part of the process. They were gentle and respectful last time. But they won't sign off on primary HBACs. The main OB will, but one of the other 2 won't and because of that the practice doesn't.

I don't know. I'll probably be a good girl, go with option #3 and just try to cope. But I have nightmares about going to the hospital and fighting, fighting FIGHTING. I don't want to fight. I want to deliver a (future, figment of my imagination child).

It's a darn good thing I'm not pregnant yet. I've got a heck of a lot of thinking to do.

My Thoughts on Phones

2010-07-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

The other day Daniel and I were driving in the car when I dropped my phone. It got stuck under the seat, and I asked him to pull over so I could get it. He laughed at me, said no, and that I could make it 10 minutes home without a phone.

I made it.

It was hard.

Seriously. I mean, what do you do without Twitter? And Facebook? And YouVersion Bible?

I have an addiction.

On the other hand, I drive people crazy because I am perfectly happy to ignore/decline calls if they come when I am busy, having fun, otherwise engaged.

My husband? He answers the phone when it rings no.matter.what. Drives me nuts. He thinks it's rude not to answer when someone calls (and we're out at dinner. or having an important conversation. or on the boat.)

I believe that I pay for a cell phone for MY convenience. And I love it. I drive around talking on it, and I clearly have a social networking addiction.

But I don't pay for it for other people's convenience.

Ten years ago, if I were at the park with my boys and someone called, chances are they would have gotten my home answering machine. Fifteen years ago it's virtually guaranteed. There's no reason they can't get my voicemail today.

What do you think about cell phones? How do you use yours?

B90Days Check in

2010-07-12T20:48:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a week! This is great, I'm so glad I'm participating in the Bible in 90 Days blog challenge. It's fun! It's good for me! It's motivating! It's hard!

And I'm a fast reader.

But I started a day late, caught up to being 1/2 a day behind, then got swamped by life, and now I'm...not quite finished with yesterdays reading. I know I'll finish that, and I guess I'll just try to get a couple of verses through today and maybe by next week I'll be caught up?

We're not aiming for perfection here, right? Just completion?

I've been reading in bed with Jack during his nap, using YouVersion on my Droid. I put him down for nap by lying next to him on my stomach, with my left arm hooked around him (so he can't get up and play and my head turned away ignoring him. Great opportunity to read. It's time otherwise wasted.

It's interesting. I know I've read the entire Bible before, but not really in an organized fashion, or this intently, or since high school.

I can't get over the sex and the violence of Abraham and Jacob. The details that God cared about regarding the Ark of the Covenant and the temple. It kind of shocks me. The utter whininess of the Israelites, of Aaron, of everyone. Crazy.

Click the button above to read more about the challenge over at www.momstoolbox.com

VBAC: My thoughts, Feeling and emotions

2010-07-12T09:25:00.004-04:00

Warning. Long post. I am probably going to be posting fairly frequently about VBAC/CBAC as that as where my mind is. I am trying to work out my own thoughts and feelings regarding my future (lack of) options.

Jack was born via non-emergent cesarean. Essentially, I was in labor for most of 2 days, he was OP, stuck at 8cm, and when the doctors suggested cesarean (after 13 hours at 8cm and 4 on Pitocin) I said fine.

Jack Being Delivered

First Family Photo

And, really, it was fine. My recovery was easy. We had no (significant) breastfeeding problems. He's happy and healthy. It's all fine.

Which is why I don't understand my feelings.

I was aiming for a natural birth, yes, but not because of some great desire to experience birth or to be a woman, or even to do what was best for him. I simply wanted control. That whole epidual/IV/Pitocin stuck in bed with people holding your legs and yelling PUSH PUSH was so not for me.

I wanted control of my body. Autonomy.

The 10 hours post cesarean, stuck in a bed with a nurse giving my baby a pacifier (I told her not to) and his first bath was hell. Not because of pain or anything. Just because it is not in my personality to cede control of the things important to me. Like, well, my newborn.

But I was Ok with it.

As Jack's first birthday approached, I was less OK with it. I'd get upset, a little angry with myself (why'd I give in so easily), with my husband (why wouldn't he let me have a homebirth). I started feeling like I HAD missed an experience I wanted. And I started feeling like I'd failed.

As his birthday passed, I got past some of it and started looking forward. To the next baby. To VBAC. Or CBAC. Or HBAC.

I am overweight, but healthy. I had no pregnancy issues, besides the fact that Jack refused to scoot. I went into labor, naturally, at 40 weeks 5 Days. My water broke on its own. I dilated to 8cm. I never pushed. He was malpositioned.

Some of those things seem to make a VBAC more likely. Others less likely.

But I'm not worried about it. Just as I did with Jack's birth, I am 98% confident I am capable of having an unmedicated vaginal birth. Sure, this time I'll have a Cesarean birth plan (Just in case. While my cesarean was pretty good (no strapped down arms, he stayed with me the whole time), I've heard horror stories. And I think it can be better.).

But, really, I feel fine about labor and my body's capabilities.

What I'm less sure about is my brain. Here's where the crazy comes in.

When I was in labor, my contractions slowed almost to a halt every.single.time the (bitch of a) nurse came in to monitor me. I felt like I had to fight for everything (no hospital gown, water, food, staying natural, time to labor off the monitor). And I didn't like it. I am, apparently, somewhat more passive in labor than in normal life. Less confident and confrontational.

This time, it'll be much, much worse. First, I've been there, done that, know what to dread. Second, they'll be pushing even more. (Just in case epidural; Just in case IV; continuous fetal monitoring). They'll have less confidence in my abilities (after all, I failed last time!). And maybe I will.

Sure, I can pick my doctor, and I have a great one. But that doesn't matter. It's the nurses who are with you and who can make life great or miserable.

When I read VBAC stories - triumphant VBAC stories of women who are thrilled with their birth experiences, I feel panicky when the nurses tell them they have to do something or they aren't allowed to do something else. My stomach churns. My heart races. How much worse will it be when I'm the laboring woman?

So I read and I research. I took Bradley classes last time, but perhaps Hypnobabies would help with my hospital anxiety? A more experienced doula? A monitrice to keep me out of the hospital for as long as possible?

Maybe.

I know a homebirth would help. Or a birth center birth. Unfortunately, my state has decided that it is illegal for a woman to have a birth center VBAC (ever!) or a HBAC without a doctor sign off. And the doctor won't sign off for a primary VBAC. So, I'm stuck.

We're sorta kinda soon going to be TTC. And I'm excited. And I'm dreading it.

Menu Planning Monday and Budget Boot Campt week 2

2010-07-12T07:10:00.009-04:00

I actually menu planned for 2 weeks (and shopped for non-perishables for 2 weeks), so even though my weekend got a bit out of control, I still feel like I did a pretty good job of sticking to my plan.

So, this week has changed a bit abased on what we ate last week, but I feel good about it (at least I'm improving!)

Monday: Hot dogs with Sweet Potato Fries (I have buns we were supposed to use Saturday. So I need to use them today) and corn on the cob.

Tuesday: Chicken and Dumplings with Peas and Carrots

Wednesday: Smothered Cube Steak with Brown Rice and Broccoli

Thursday: Spaghetti with meat sauce

Friday: Tacos with Ground Venison, Corn and Refried Beans

Saturday: SIL and BIL Birthday Dinner (may be friday, in which case I'll swap)

Sunday: (Random thing comes up day - the day I plan to use whatever meal I didn't use during the week 'cause something random came up.*)

Lunches: Leftovers, PB&J or Salami
Breakfast: Fiber 1 bars and yogurt (me); Frozen Waffles w/ PB or muffins + Yogurt (Jack); Cereal and Milk (Daniel)
Snacks: Goldfish, Grapes, Bananas

The Budget Boot Camp challenge for Week #2 is to make a shopping list...and stick to it!

Based on my menu plan, I need:
Salami (Daniel is obsessed right now)
Jack Yogurt
Birthday Cards for BIL & SIL
Paper Towels
Craisins or Raisins
Bananas
Grapes or Blueberries

That's it. We're in good shape. I can control this, and not do what I did this weekend (let Daniel go to Target and buy a bunch of random grocery crap for an extra $60).
This Budget Boot Camp Challenge Thing is pretty cool. Go check it out!

*If I plan for The Crazy in my life, I'm less likely to fail.

Tot School L and M

2010-07-11T23:14:00.001-04:00

Jack is 21 months old

It's been a crazy "work" week for me. I've had a ton to do with Once Upon a Memory (about to be Monkeyin'Around Design) and my first Discovery Toys party. So Tot School was kind of on the back burner. We did do "school" on Tuesday and Wednesday with our friends, and we played some fun games, but it wasn't much (and it's not like we always do that much). My pics are on my cell phone. Which is upstairs, in bed with Jack. So...I'll try to add those in tomorrow. I'll try. I promise.

Anyway, Tuesday was "l is for Leaves" day. We took the kids on a walk around my yard and had them pick leaves. Then we came inside, glued them all over a piece of paper and put an "l" in the middle. It was pretty cute. Tip: If you do this, we decided to cover the page in wax paper and let it sit with a book over it for a day. That helped flatten the leaves and get them glued on nicely.

Wednesday we did "m is for mouse". This was ADORABLE. We cut m's out of felt, glued on eyes and ears and a little chunk of cheese, and made pipe cleaner tales and whiskers. Love! Mack's mom did a great job organizing this one!

The rest of the week, we just kind of hung out. Jack played with the MarbleWorks Discovery Toy (ball, ball?) a LOT (with close supervision) and we rode bikes, swam and played. He's starting to know colors and will count with me - I say 1, he says 2, I say 2, he says 3. It is progress? Right?

And...that's it. Hopefully this week will be a good Tot School week. Next week: Beach Vacation!

And visit 1+1+1=1 for great Tot School ideas!

Weight(something) Wednesday

2010-07-07T10:10:00.000-04:00

Can't so much call it Weightloss, as well, I haven't. I don't know what to call it.

Here's the thing. If I make ANY attempt to diet, I gain weight. Because I don't stick to it, and the second I mess up I start this whole all or nothing I've been bad I might as well eat the whole house thinking. And it spirals. And on and on and on and on.

I gained 5 pounds in my pregnancy. 5. Because I ate like a normal person. I cared more about the little person inside me than I did about myself. Plus, something about pregnancy gave me permission to eat. So I didn't. (yeah, I'm contrary like that.)

At my 2 week post-partum appointment I was 18 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight.

And I stayed there.

Then I decided to start Weight Watchers (this was the January 2009 start). And I gained weight. And it's gone on and on from there. I now weigh about 7 pounds more than my highest pregnancy weigh.

I want to get pregnant again soon. But this time, it's more complicated. I want a VBAC. It's more than want. I need a VBAC. I want a homebirth, but we can't have everything.

I need to be healthy, for the next baby and for my labor and delivery.

So...I don't know what to do.

Intuitive eating (the idea that our bodies really know what we need and if we'd just shut up and let them do it, we'd eat OK) is appealing, and has worked, but I can't turn off that little voice telling me to diet. Telling me that this is bad and that is bad and the other thing is bad.

There's no point to this post. It just is.

Bible in 90 Days

2010-07-06T00:51:00.001-04:00

OK, I'm getting all crazy again, but I am trying to get my life in order, and so I'm participating in all these fun bloggy things. One of those is #b90days or Bible in 90 Days. I'm excited! And it's fun! And my Bible droid App is perfect for reading the daily reading on while I lay with Monkey at naptime.

This is my week 1, I've only read 8 chapters check-in:-)

I meant to link to this B90Days at Mom's Toolbox, but forgot to. Oops. I'll do better next week.

Menu Planning Monday & 90 Day Challenge 1

2010-07-05T00:33:00.000-04:00

So, I tend to fail at the whole menu planning thing. I mean, I plan. Then I fail. That whole if you fail to plan you plan to fail thing? Yeah it works all directions for me. See, I hate to cook. And I like to eat. So we eat a lot of Chick Fil A and Papa Johns. Yep.

But, we are REALLY trying to get ourselves on a budget around here. I'm tired of the stress that comes from not having money. I'm tired of the lack of money that comes from my reaction to stress (binge eat. binge shop).

So, we made a budget. It was scary.

And I'm going to participate in the 90-Day Budget Boot Camp at In Good Cents and Mummy Deals.

And Challenge #1 is to Meal Plan. Which comes in handy 'cause I already did. But it's a two-parter.

Challenge #1 is to Meal Plan AND TO STICK TO IT. I'm scared.

Really scared.

But I'm going to do it.

So, here's my plan:
Breakfasts and lunches will be flexible. I have/am keeping all of this stuff in the house and we can just have what we feel like. If I totally plan I'll just be setting myself up for failure.

Breakfasts this week: Bagels or Pancakes or Oatmeal + yogurt or applesauce for Monkey

Lunches this week: Leftovers or Salami or PB Sandwiches

Dinners:
Monday: Rotel Chicken with Rice and Green Beans (can of rotel, can of cream of chicken soup, add cooked chicken. Simmer 15 minutes. Pour over rice).
Tuesday: Tina's Chicken Pot Pie
Wednesday: Chicken Tacos with corn and refried beans (Daniel request)
Thursday: Red Beans and Rice with Sausage and Broccoli
Friday: Ground Chicken Burgers with Onions and Peppers mixed in. Corn on the Cob. Sweet Potato Fries.
Saturday: Crockpot Salsa Chicken Wraps

I'm not planning for Sunday, as I figure that one night we will be at a relative's house or do something else. If not, we can get pizza or something. My goal is to make/eat all 6 of these meals this week. Not necessarily on the right night, but to use them.

I'm also linking to Menu Planning Monday @ OrgJunkie.com

Happy Independence Day!

2010-07-04T23:25:00.000-04:00

To celebrate, I renewed my dependence to the internet. We are finally back from the dead. It was awful. I can now imagine what the founding fathers went through;-P

OK, so besides my sad addiction to the internet, my boys and I have had a kick-ass weekend. At least at night. The days have been so-so, but the nights have been great!

Friday after Daniel got home from work, we headed up to our sortakinda church, to a Freedom Spectacular Festival. 10 different bounce houses, 1 choo-choo train, lots of food vendors & really good, really close fireworks! Everything but the food was free. We had a great time!

Cotton Candy, YUM YUM YUM!

Boy in a bounce house...

Saturday we did work around the house, made a budget, that kind of stuff. And the boys went kayaking and found a gator (another post on that one).

Then we went to my Zeta Tau Alpha little sister's housewarming party. Good food, good friends, Jack played ball and had a ball. What more can you ask for?

And today. Well, today was rainy. And I was sad. 'Cause, well, the fourth. And the beach. Or the boat. And the pouty pouty Kimberly.

But it cleared up, we grabbed Kris, Tina and Mack and headed out to watch the fireworks.

And have a fish fly into the boat. For real.

And let the babies fall asleep on the way home.

And celebrate our (sortakinda) freedom the way it was intended - on a boat, with beer and explosives!

Tot School E-K

2010-07-04T23:15:00.000-04:00

Jack is 21 months, his friends are Mack-28 months, Mike-22 months

OK, I've failed big time on the Tot School posts. I don't know what's up with me. I guess I'm going to do a quick overview of our letters first, and then go through some of the other activities. Then I'll be back on track and ready to start again. We've been DOING Tot School, even though I haven't been posting.

Our Tot School group moved to 2 letters a week. I don't like it as much, since I feel like we're not having time to focus on learning the letter and we've kind of moved into mommies making the letters, kids playing. I'm trying to change that. It's hard. I'm just trying to go with "We're making cute books to be used to practice and I can do whatever I want with Monkey at home". That works, right?

So, here we go:
E is for Elephant or Eyes (um, 'cause Jack went crazy w/ the googley eyes for the Elephants, so I decided it worked).

F is for Flower (I KNOW I have pics, I just can't find them anywhere!!!)

G is for Giraffe (need to get a pic, sorry!)

H is for Horse (um, we ran late and didn't do this one)

I is for Ice Cream

J is for Jet (Jack just wasn't really so much in the mood)

K is for Kangaroo

And we put more coins in the piggy bank (Jack says Peeg, Peeg, when he finds coins now):

And read books (they sat down together like this. We did say "say cheese" though!)

We colored together and talked about Noah's Ark and God's promise to us:

We played with Discovery Toys Silly Faces bowls. These things kept Jack entertained for like 45 minutes.
First he stacked them:

Then stacked some more:

Then started trying to sort the bean bags by color (he actually did do it at the end):

Then pretended to drink from them:

Then made hats for us both:

And finally hid them away in the laundry basket:

We also played with the Discovery Toys Giant Pegboard (another good 30 minutes of fun!):

And we played with the hose and learned JUST HOW MANY BABIES IT TAKES TO WATER A PLANT!

Sorry for the super-late posts. I'm sure we did more than this, but I can't really remember. At least now I'm caught up with my posts and can get back on track.

For more, organized, Tot School posts, visit 1+1+1=1.

Back for a moment to guest post!

2010-06-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

My internet has been down for a week, and is remaining down until Sunday. We're finally going to swap from DSL to broadband on Sunday!

Meanwhile, I got to guest blog over at Three Pugs and a Baby! Jenn is awesome and hilarious and creative. And she has one of the cutest toddlers I've ever seen. Plus he sleeps well!

Go read my post and some of hers. And, yes, she has beautiful photos and yummy cakes, so stick around over there. But come back and visit me on occasion:-)

My post on having faith in your parenting is right here.

The above photo was supposed to go with my guest post. But I sent Jenn the wrong one. Shocking, I know.

4 boys. 2 years.

2010-06-25T13:23:00.001-04:00

This isn't really a post. It's just a link to a post.

But you have to click it.

Do it. Now.

Ok, see the little boy, 2nd from right in the first pic? That was my boy. One year ago Wednesday.

See the little boy, far left in the second pic? That was my boy. Wednesday.

The others are his friends. And they are all adorable. And they are all GETTING SO STINKING BIG.

Part of my wants to cry.

Part of me wants to go back in time and kiss those tiny little Monkey cheeks.

And part of me can't WAIT to see next year's pic.

the mom I want to be

2010-06-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

From childhood, I was going to be a mom.

I think I had a picture in my head. An ideal of what it was going to be like - what I was going to be like.

I love my job. I love my son. I love my family. I wouldn't trade any of those things for the world.

I'd trade me. In a heartbeat.

I want to be a mom who has it together. Who has a beautifully decorated house, organized shelves, meals on the table in a timely fashion. Who dresses nicely - not wrinkled - with hair and makeup in place. Who pays bills on time and doesn't overspend.

I want to be a creative mom. I want to craft, to bake. I want to make homemade clothes for Monkey.

I want to be a playful mom. I want to spend my days giggling with my son. Playing games. Chasing him around. Having fun.

I want to be a crunchy mom. I want to feed my family organic meals. To grow my own vegetables. To make my own cleaners. To keep my family from being exposed to all of the chemicals surrounding us.

I want to be an attached mom. To co-sleep without ever resenting it. To wear my baby. To breastfeed until he's ready to quit. To not punish, but discipline.

I want to be patient. I want to enjoy and appreciate our moments together. I want to really connect with Jack. I want to teach him. I want to make him little snacks in little bags. I want to go on bike rides and walks. I want to play games. I want to read to him. I want to sing songs. I want to put him first.

I want to be so much more than I am.

I do some of these things. But not enough. Not nearly enough.

I am lazy. I am selfish. I get bored - quickly - with childish games. I don't know how to play. I get frustrated reading to a child who won't.sit.still. I hate to cook, to clean. I want to be craftsy, but I don't have the attention span or the talent. I'm awkward. I'm disorganized. If I make it to a playdate with both of our clothes on and a clean diaper I call it a success. Snacks? Um, I think there's a bag of old Craisins in the car. And yesterday's sippy cup. I'm a spendthrift. I'm a slob.

Jack watched NO television until he was 17.5 months old. Now. Now I rely on it entirely too much to get us through the day.

I fed him healthy foods as an infant (well, for the first 7 months I fed him only breastmilk, but went from there to organics). Now he gets nuggets...a lot.

I still nurse, still cosleep. But I'm resenting the latter, and I know I'm going to want to wean before I have a second baby.

I guess I thought I'd change when I had a baby. Because the me I described above? That's who I've always been. And I've always wanted to be someone else. Athletic. Cool. Studious. Organized. Crisp. Southern (more so). Popular. Beachy.

I think I'm stuck with me. I just hope I can do OK by Jack.

*I was going to link to a whole bunch of the bloggers I want to be. The moms I admire and look up to. I'm not. That would be even more awkward than this post already is. Perhaps I shouldn't post it. But, well, what's the point of having a blog if I don't post how I feel. And this post has been in my head for a few weeks now. It had to come out.

Starry Saturday Nights

2010-06-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Where I (kind of) organize all of the posts I have starred on my Reader in the past week.

Kind of Random:

Time lapse Fruit and Vegetable Decomposition

Dirt is Good

Ramona and Beezus Trailer!

Organizing

Making Lists and Batching Tasks

Free Printable Birthday Checklist

Puzzles!

How to get motivation to clean your house!

Activities & Tot School

Fun Sensory Tub!

Tot School Zones

Oh my goodness! Fun Family Movie Night with CARS!

Cookie Cutter Canvas Art

Crafts

Super Duper Cute Balloon Wreath

Parenting

International Parenting Mistakes (or, um, how Americans are nuts!)

Toddler Night Light

Bloggy Stuff

How to put a "Take my Button" on your page

Recipes

Ground Chicken Curry Stew

Baked Fish with Pinenut and Pesto Crust

Spicy Black Bean Cakes

Roasted Corn Soup

Mommy's Piggy Tales: Pre-School Years

2010-06-18T14:59:00.000-04:00

I had a hard time writing about my pre-school years, I can't come up with anything cohesive, so I'm just going to put down a bunch of snippets and see what I come up with. And...I'll try to add pics. Eventually. Sorry!

I've always heard I was an easy child up until my sister was born. But then when I think of the stories I remember, I am not sure I believe it.

When I was born, we left the hospital and headed to a little house in San Marco. We lived close to my grandparents, aunt and uncle, and close to Dad's work. It was a tiny little white house and I have absolutely no memory of it.

When I was two, we moved into a new neighborhood to a house my Dad had had designed and built. Dad worked a lot (he was a lawyer), and I would crawl into bed with my mom most nights, well after I was supposed to have been asleep. My best friends were Emily (her mom and my mom were friends) and some neighbor boys named Mack and Zack.

One of my strongest memories of the Deerwood house was being in timeout in the TV room, looking at National Geographic magazines, when Emily sneaked upstairs and told me that my Mom had said I could come out. I was so surprised! I had no idea my friend was coming over.

We swam a lot (really throughout my childhood), and I was on the neighborhood swim team when I was 3. I...um...finished the race;-)

I asked Mommy what Daddy's job was, and she told me "He's a lawyer. If someone ran their tricycle into your tricycle and you were hurt, he'd make sure that the person who hit you paid to fix your tricycle and you".

This is embarrassing. I had this theory that if I went pee-pee after I went poo-poo that it washed it away and I didn't need to wipe. And then I'd lie about it. Fortunately, that was a short-lived phase. (Have I mentioned that I'm terrified of potty training Jack?)

We spent TONS of time with family. My family has a farm about 2 hours away. My cousins lived on part of it, and when we'd get there on the weekend, Juliana (6 years older than me) and I would dash across the fields to get to eachother. She'd also come and visit us. When ever we were together, we'd sleep together, and we'd play baby and mommy. With our feet. Her feet were my babies, and my feet were her babies. Her younger brother Kennedy and I loved to fish and go hunting with our Dad's. And wrestle. We'd beat the pants off each other and then start again.

Oh! I got my first pony when I was 2. His name was Humbug. He was, as all Shetlands are, evil. But I had a lot of fun with him. He was little and tiny and black and I had an adorable little western saddle. He lived at the farm and I was as happy to see him on weekends as I was to see Juliana.

I went to preschool when I was two years old. I think my teachers name was Miss Connie. One day, I found the little scissors I was supposed to use to cut paper and cut off one of my cars. I had beautiful, golden ringlets, and I guess I decided I wanted one to play with? My mom cried when she saw it. That was my first hair cut.

I also spent a ton of time at my grandparents house. Every night, my grandfather would go out to the kitchen after everyone was in bed and have a bowl of Breyer's Natural Vanilla ice cream. I insisted on having my door open, so it would wake me up and I'd head out to share with him. He bought me a stuffed toy named "Paws". Paws was a big blue bawl with eyes and long yellow arms coming off of it. I HATED PAWS. My grandparents would tuck him in with me, and I would throw him out of my bed and yell "No me like paws!".

My mom liked to dress me. She used me as her little doll. I was always in a perfectly matched outfir, or a tiny little handsmocked dress, and I always had pigtails or helicopter bows (you know, the giant grosgrain bows that make little girls look like they're about to take off in flight? If you don't know, give me time to make a little girl, let her grow hair, then see the pics i post of her:-) in my hair. Unfortunately, I was a bit of a tomboy. My mom handled it though. I had to wear cute clothes, but she didn't mind them getting dirty at all.

I loved to read. I don't know what else to say. I LOVED to read.

And, then, it happened. When I was 3.5 my parents told me I was getting a little sister. And everything changed.

We moved. A new house, a new town. And instead of being the baby and only child, I became A BIG SISTER. It was awful! And I became evil. And stayed that way. (Fortunately, my sister and I are now very close friends, so I suppose it was all worth it).

Wow!

2010-06-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

I am SO ridiculously behind on blogging. I haven't done a Tot School or Starry Night post in...2 weeks? Sheesh. I am going to try to play catch up today.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks at our house. Last weekend, Daniel and I went to a car show to sell posters (which went fairly well), then last week we took a Tot School break, but the week ended up being CRAZY anyway. This weekend we did family photos with my extended family AND celebrated my grandparents 65th Anniversary (I am so blessed to have a family that celebrates together. And to have grandparents who have been together for 65 years. Can you imagine?).

AND! I finally made my very first official etsy sale and I signed up to be a Discovery Toys Educational Consultant! I swear I won't go crazy talking about either business over here, but I am excited to finally be making some progress to contribute financially to my family ('cause, um, since I hate to cook and clean, I barely squeak by contributing AT ALL to my family).

Ok, Monkey has finished breakfast. I'm off!

My birth (Yep, mine. Not Jack's.)

2010-06-11T00:17:00.000-04:00

My birth story, like most birth stories, starts several years before my birth.

I suppose, really, it starts when my mom was 16 and thought she was pregnant. She wasn't. But she had spent the night fully clothed in a tent with a boy. He had touched her boob. She was obviously worried about the consequences.

A few years, and a bit of education later, my then 19-year old mom decided to run a road race. She wore teensy tinesy little blue running shorts with yellow trim and a white tank top. At the end of the race, the man behind her (at 28, he was a man) approached her. He had, the story goes, run the entire race behind her, admiring her shoulders. He invited her to the symphony.

A sorority girl and college student she was impressed by this man, a lawyer, attending fancy parties and symphonies. They eventually made plans to marry.

First, though, they took a trip to Vermont. They both loved to snow ski, and on one of the last days of the trip, they took a last ride up the lift.

You know those orange net-things that mark off unski-able areas? Yeah. One ofthose was flapping in the wind. It flapped so high, that as my parents rode up the lift, it flapped right on over my mom's ski and grabbed on. It pulled, it pulled, it pulled her out of the lift.

She smashed her pelvis. She couldn't walk for 6 months afterwards and was told that if she ever wanted children she would have to have cesarean sections.

A year or so after her recovery (they put off the wedding to accommodate the recovery), my parent were married. Finally.

Nine months and fifteen days later, there I came. I am convinced I was an accident. Really? Who wants a honeymoon baby. But they swear, SWEAR, I was planned. That my Dad, at 32 wanted to start a family quickly. I'll never know.

Regardless, they came home from their honeymoon, expecting a baby. My mom knew she was going to have a Cesarean, but for some reason still took a lamaze class. She also took another step towards becoming a mother. She called two friends, each of whom had recently had a baby, and asked to change their babies' diapers. That way she had changed 1 boy diaper and 1 girl diaper before having a child of her own.

My mom's doctor scheduled my birth for June 22, 1981. It feels weird to type that. The weekend before I was to arrive, my parents took a "babymoon" (I am positive that they did not call it that). They stayed at a nice hotel, had a nice dinner, and then had one of those movie moments.

My mom's water broke.

At the restaurant.

Out of town.

And she COULD NOT have a vaginal birth*.

They called the doctor.

He was also out of town.

They rushed to the hospital (they were only a few hours away).

The doctor also rushed there and straight in the operating room.

Thus, I was born at 8:13 PM on June 21, 1981. Father's Day**.

My dad? Promptly started running up and down the halls of the hospital handing out cigars and saying "Number 2 in '82".

*I told my very natural childbirth friendly OBGYN about my mom's condition while I was pregnant. She responded "Oh, yeah. If she wanted to be able to walk, a cesarean was necessary".
**I spent most of my childhood signing Father's Day cards to my dad as his "First Father's Day Present". (Oops, I'm not supposed to talk about childhood yet, am I?)

(Shoot. I just realized I'm also supposed to blog about how I got my name. Ok, that's easy. My mom's name? Kimberly. Her mom? Jane. My dad's mom? Elizabeth. Me? Kimberly Jane Elizabeth. Original? Not my family.)

Starry (Saturday) Nights

2010-06-06T02:32:00.000-04:00

Parenting
Why do we Co-sleep? (Awesome post!)

AAP recommends swimming lessons for Toddlers. I recommend, in particular Waterlily Swim School and Infant Swimming Resource. Watching Jack roll over and float in the seconds before we grabbed him last weekend confirmed my belief that ISR is important and effective!

Craftsy I'm not
Oh, how I want to be though. How to make cloth diapers!

Organized I'm not
Oh, how I want to be though. Home Notebook printables.

Weighty Wednesday

2010-06-02T22:25:00.000-04:00

There are times when I wish I had set my blogs to be completely anonymous - to make sure that no one I know could possibly know that this is me. But, then I decide it's too much trouble.

This is one of the times when I wish know one knew me (not that that many people do, but still).

See, I like to pretend that my friends don't notice the fat. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. But, well, I'm crazy. Or at least a little bit.

Sorry, that was a super-long intro to an even longer post. But I have to get it out. Ignore if you don't want to listen to me bitch and moan in a really rambling fashion.

I binge eat. A lot. Bored, sad, angry, frustrated, happy. I eat. I KNOW how to eat healthy (really, I'm not dumb). I eat reasonable meals. I eat reasonable snacks. But I binge. Frequently.

I re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-x57-rejoined Weight Watchers with a dear friend in April. I have been to 3 meetings. The 3rd was yesterday. Since I started Weight Watchers on April 21, I have gained 2.4 pounds. Since Jack was born on September 28, 2008, I have gained 8.4 pounds. I am 8 pounds heavier than my highest pregnancy weight. I am 33 pounds heavier than my 2-Week PostPartum weight. I weigh 278.4 pounds.
Yep.

I just can't control myself. I want to. Oh, how i want to. There are so many reasons. Yet, none of them, in that moment, matter.

So that's part A of long rambling, bitchy, moany post.

Here's Part B.

We went to Walmart tonight to buy a new bike for me (so excited, it's REALLY cute. I can't wait to ride around with Jack!). While I was standing with Jack and talking to my sister on the phone about which bike to pick and Daniel was trying out bikes, 2 women walked up to me. One was probably 45, stringy hair, cheap clothes (I get to be judgy. You'll understand in a minute), maybe 20 pounds overweight, the other must have been her daughter. Or younger sister.

So, she said I want to give you a flier. I said OK, went back to talking to my sister. We hung up maybe 30 seconds later.

The woman came back around the corner, and said "I didn't want to disturb you while you were on the phone".

"No problem."

"I just wanted to let you know, I used to be really big too (cue hand gesture showing wear fat was on her body), but now I've lost 25 pounds and am doing great. I'm having a party to show people the product. You should come. I can help you."

"Oh, ok."

"It's a wonderful product and it will..."

At that point I interrupted her with another "OK" and went to chase Jack off of a box of balls.

I have three things to say:
1) Who the heck approaches a perfect stranger in a store to tell them that they are fat. Yeah, I know I am, but sheesh!
2) Who the heck thinks that is a good sales tactic?
3) Good Lord, I may never eat again. Or, alternately, I may cope with the way I'm feeling about this by eating everything in my house. I am not sure yet which way it's going to go.

The whole thing was just depressing. And embarrassing. And sad.

We finally did it...

2010-05-31T23:22:00.000-04:00

Daniel has been begging me for months, but I insisted that he had to go with me. Otherwise, nope.

Finally, I gave in. I dragged my sister with me instead.

Jack had his first haircut on Thursday.

Yep. I did it. Unbelievable, huh?

Twenty months old. Twenty months of "what a beautiful little girl"s and "wow, that's a boy"s and I gave in.

He loved it. After all, he got to sit in a boat and blow bubbles and watch Cars on tv. He got a new toy. He got lollipops. Lots of lollipops. And somewhere in the middle, his hair got cut.

I handled it well, if I do say so myself. His...stylist?...was awesome! I told her I didn't want him to have a "little boy haircut". I wanted it to be long, surfery, just a little more organized and a little more boyish. She asked if I wanted the Zac Efron cut. I told her I had no idea who that was. My sister did, and told me it would be cute.

So, I guess that's what he got?

Anyway, I think he looks younger. People told me he'd look older w/ a haircut, but I think he looks younger. Maybe it's 'cause it's still longish.

Either way, he's still adorable.

Menu Planning Monday

2010-05-31T23:06:00.000-04:00

So, I hate to cook. I think I've mentioned that a time or seven before. Hate. But...Daniel doesn't cook, and we both feel like as a SAHM it should really be my job. So I try. Frequently I fail. But I try.

One of the things that causes me to hate to cook is that whole, 5pm, what's for dinner, why is the baby screaming, why is the house a wreck thing that happens so frequently around here.

Hopefully menu planning (and sticking to it!) will help.

This week:
Monday - Tacos from a kit w/ ground venison and corn
Tuesday - Smothered Cubed Steak and wild rice
Wednesday - Baked Ziti and a veggie of some sort (any suggestions?)
Thursday - Stir Fry (Chicken, Broccoli, Zuke, rice)
Friday - Crockpot Salsa Chicken Wraps

And...that's it. Most weeks something comes up one day and we end up eating at a relatives house or out. Should that happen, I'll move everything back and have Saturday covered as well.

Tot School - D is for Duck.

2010-05-31T01:43:00.000-04:00

Jack was 19 months old. His friends are Mack (27 months) and Mike (21 months)

We only had one official Tot School day this week.

On Monday we decided to play hookey and go to the local water park for their Tot days special- only $10 for adults, free for Tots! We had a GREAT time! We played through nap time and Jack would have stayed all day. When we hit the car, we had three sleeping toddlers!

Checking out the Gators (chomp-chomp!).

Passed out Babies

And MY Passed out Baby

On Wednesday, we had official Tot School at my house, where we:

Did Do a Dot D/Duck Pages (from the internet. I can't remember where. I'll find it and fix this.)

Mack is great at Do a Dot pages, Jack LOVES them, but needs lots of guidance, Mike doesn't really care that much.

We also made "D is for Ducks". This was Mack's mom's brilliant idea, and they turned out ADORABLY! Jack participates much better in glue crafts than in coloring crafts. Much, much better.

They also played with gluing pompoms on scraps.

And just played:

And, because, all official Tot School sessions end up with naked Tots in the yard (don't ask me why. It just happens), here's a cute pic:

Through the rest of the week, Jack and I tried to do a few more Tot School activities (yay! So proud of me!) (sorry, the rest of these are cell photos!)

We Jack ~~sorted colors~~ in the sensory bin

Played with his new Melissa and Doug magnetic fishing puzzle (he LOVES it!)

And put coins in a piggy bank (also, LOVES to do this)

And...that's all. For more Tot School activities, visit 1+1+1=1

Summer Reading Challenge

2010-05-30T12:44:00.000-04:00

NoTimeforFlashCards is hosting a Summer Reading Challenge (with prizes!). Click over to check it out.

Here are our books for the week (he was feeling pretty repetitive this week!):

Plus, Fifteen Animals by Sandra Boynton.

We read several of these a LOT this week!

Give me a heart attack, why don't you?

2010-05-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

Alternate Title: If only we had a video camera, we'd have made thousands on America's Funniest Videos.

Thursday night, my sister, her boyfriend, my aunt, my mom, 5 dogs and I were sitting around the pool at my mom's friends house while Jack walked around the edge, looked at flowers, did toddler stuff.

Then he fell in.

With all of us watching, he tumbled in.

My mom yelled "Give him a minute and see if he floats".

I ignored her, jumped out of my chair and ran to the edge to grab him.

Jack rolled over and floated.

My aunt grabbed him first and handed him, screaming, to me.

I noticed a little bit of blood on his mouth and figured he bit his tongue a little. He also scraped his chin.

I looked up, and my aunt's boston terrier fell in the pool. She IMMEDIATELY jumped in to grab him.

Yep. In about 20 seconds, my baby fell in the pool, my mom said to leave him for a minute, my aunt grabbed him, her dog fell in the pool, she JUMPED IN to grab him. See who is important around here? ;-)

Seriously, though, Jack's fine. He was in the water for maybe 10 seconds, probably less. My heart may never be the same. Which is funny, since he'd been swimming to me all day, in the water (under the water) longer than that. It's much scarier when not controlled.

I am very proud and very impressed that he remembered his training, rolled over and floated. That's why I spent the money and the time on ISR lessons. Totally worth it. I mean, we were right there, we grabbed him, he would have been fine even if he hadn't had lessons. But, one day, I may not be there. My little monkey may escape the zoo, even with all the care of a mom who loves him. And it's nice to know he has a chance.

He still loves to swim. But he's a little more careful when walking around the edge of the pool.

Also, the blood I noticed? He has a little less tooth in his mouth. One of his front teeth chipped, a smidge, when he fell in. It's not a big deal (though we're going to the dentist next week). But it's sad. My perfect little boy gets a little less perfect and a little more boy every day. His smile is a bit different. Still his. Just...changed. I'll try to get a picture of it tomorrow.